Chapter 13

I sat in my room staring at the beginning of my paper on my laptop. After I’d hung up on Sidney I’d gone back to trying to write the paper to get my mind off of things. It wasn’t working well, and I’d only managed to write a page in the last few hours. I looked at the clock and saw that it was getting pretty late. I realized I hadn’t eaten anything all day, but food just didn’t interest me at the moment.

I was struggling to wrap my brain around the topic of the paper when I heard the doorbell ring. I ignored it knowing that one of the other girls would answer the door. I heard a set of footsteps running up the stairs followed by a few more sets and I suddenly regretted unlocking my door earlier.

“Sidney, it’s not a good idea for you to be here!” I heard Hailey yell. The footsteps didn’t stop.

“Seriously, you just need to leave her alone,” Kelly begged. I heard my door open and close again. Every muscle in my body tensed up, and I kept my back to the door.

“Tanner, we need to talk,” I heard Sidney say.

I closed my eyes and willed myself not to cry. I also kept silent and didn’t turn around. Sidney didn’t say anything for a few moments, but he also seemed to have the common sense not to come over to me.

“I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you. I was going to, I really was, but it was never the right time.”

He stopped talking again, probably waiting for some sort of response from me, but I wasn’t going to give him one. How was it never the right time? When is it the wrong time to talk about who you are with your girlfriend?

“Look, I have a lot of pressure put on me all the time. You don’t know what it’s like to be compared to the game’s best player when you’re only 15 years old. Everyone always expects so much of me. When I met you and you didn’t know anything about any of that stuff, it was refreshing. As I spent time with you I knew that you were doing it because you liked who I was as a person, not because of who I am in the public eye. I know that I lied to you, and I’m sorry, but I needed to know. I needed to know that you liked me for who I am and not the hockey player I am. Tanner, you have to understand that I wasn’t lying to you to hurt you. I was trying to protect myself. I never know who in my life is there because they like me as a person or as a hockey player.”

I took everything he said in and thought about it. I tried to see what he was saying, and I tried to understand. No matter how hard I tried to get it, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t get it, because he never gave me the chance to.

“Babe, please. Would you just say something? I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, ever.”

“You lied to me,” I said simply, keeping my back to him. I could hear him pacing, and the more he talked the shakier his voice got. I knew he was upset, but so was I.

“I know. I know I lied and I don’t do that. I don’t lie to people. I feel awful. Would you please just turn around and talk to me?" he begged.

I clenched my jaw and spun around in my chair. He was still in a suit and I realized he’d come over as soon as he’d gotten off of the plane from Ottawa. I’d never seen him look so disheveled and upset.

“You lied to me,” I repeated. He covered his face with his hands and looked like he was struggling to think of something else to say. It didn’t matter, I wasn’t done talking yet.

“I’m trying to understand, I really am, but I can’t. You never gave me a chance to. It’s been two months since we met. Two months! How much time do you need to tell your girlfriend about your life? I knew you were keeping something from me, but I didn’t know it was this. I knew your reasons for leaving from different exits and for not signing autographs were complete bullshit, but I had no basis for it, so I didn’t call you on it,” I told him.

I paused trying to think of what to say next. I thought about standing but was afraid that if I did that he’d try to touch me, or hug me, and I didn’t know that I could go through with the rest of what I was going to say if he did.

“After everything I’ve told you, everything you've learned about me, did you really think I was going to care whether you were the best player in the league or the worst? It would have made absolutely no difference to me, because I liked you for you not for what you did on the ice. The problem is that by not telling me the truth, you kept part of yourself hidden from me. You even actively hid it from me by parking in a different place than usual. You told me that I was the first person you could completely be yourself around but that was a lie. I was the first person you could be the Sidney you made up around. You said you kept it from me so that I could get to know you without all the hockey stuff. Sidney, all that hockey stuff is part of you. I don’t know you at all. You’re a stranger to me.”

“No, Tanner, that’s not true. You do know me. I haven’t lied about anything else. Everything I’ve talked about, everything you know about me, it’s all true. You do know me,” he insisted. I shook my head.

“No, I don’t,” I said sadly. “Sorry, but you lied to me. Maybe everything else is true, but I don’t really know that, do I? You need to leave.” I could see Sidney clenching and unclenching his fists and I realized I was doing the same around a pen, like it was a stress ball.

“We can talk through this. Now you know, and I won’t keep anything from you. Ask me anything, and I’ll tell you. Please, Babe, give me a chance,” he pleaded.

“I have papers and finals. I have no time to talk or listen to you. You told me that hockey always came first for you, and I told you getting my dream job always came first for me. I need to do well on these if I have any hope of achieving that dream. You need to leave,” I demanded. He took a deep breath but I could see that he understood, even if he didn’t like it.

“But we’ll talk when you’re done?” he asked, hopeful. I sighed.

“I don’t know. You hurt me. I don’t have time right now to think about how much. When I’m done with everything I can reevaluate my feelings. Understand that I get to decide when and if we talk about this. No amount of phone calls or surprise visits will speed anything up or change anything. I will decide when we talk. Until then, consider this relationship over.”

He ran a hand through his hair and opened his mouth to say something, but thought better of it. He turned and walked out of my room. I heard his footsteps go down the stairs and I heard the front door open and close. I got up and looked through the window, watching him get into his car and drive away.

“Are you okay?” Lisa asked stepping into my doorway.

I turned around to look at her, and I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea if I was okay or not. Grace came up behind her and looked concerned. She walked into my room and grabbed a tissue, handing it to me. That was the first time I realized I was crying.










Sidney stormed through the front door of the house and slammed the door behind him. He passed Mario and Nathalie sitting on the couch watching TV on the way to his room, but he didn’t look at them or greet them. He just stormed by in anger.

“Sid?” he heard Nathalie call after him, obviously concerned.

He didn’t stop, he just kept walking. He got to his wing and realized he probably should have just avoided the front door all together if he didn’t want them to know something was going on. He got into his living room and started pacing. He didn’t even know what to do. He had so much built up anger running through his body with no way of getting it out.

He saw a clean pile of clothes sitting on the couch and kicked it over. Then he spotted the half empty glass of water sitting on the table that he hadn’t cleaned up before the road trip. He picked it up and threw it at the wall watching water and glass fly all over the room.

“Sidney!” he heard Mario yell from the doorway. “What’s wrong?”

“I fucked up. I really fucked up,” he said sitting down on the couch. Mario came in and sat down in the chair next to him.

“What happened?” he asked. Sidney put his head in his hands and heard Tanner’s voice in his head. Until then, consider this relationship over. God, those words had stung.

“I never told Tanner about hockey. She didn’t know about any of the awards, or the records, or the hype, but she found out. She found out before I told her. I should have told her.”

“What did she say?” Mario asked quietly.

“She told me she couldn’t deal with a liar and that she didn’t know me at all. Then she said that she couldn’t even take time to deal with it because she has finals. Finals! She ended it.” He punched the couch next to him.

“I think you need to give her the space and time she needs. She’s obviously stressed out over other things right now, and this on top of it isn’t helping. Just give it time. I saw the way she looked at you. She won’t just leave it at this. You just need to let her do it on her own time,” he told him. He knew Mario was right, but that didn’t make it any better.