Chapter 26

So in light of some new information I'm going to change things up just a little. In order to keep the timeline I had originally had in mind for the story I'm going to edit the last couple chapters. Just pretend you never read that Tanner was getting radiation treatments and she's only doing chemo.










I woke up and felt a headache starting. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was only 7:30 in the morning. I shifted off of my shoulder and felt Sidney shift next to me. He didn’t wake up, but there was no way I was falling back to sleep. I laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling for another hour until Sidney’s alarm went off. Something just didn’t feel right.

“Morning, Tanner,” he mumbled rolling over to throw his arm over me. I plastered a fake smile on my face as I turned towards him.

“Morning.” He placed a kiss on my forehead before getting out of bed. I watched him walk into the bathroom and begin his morning routine. I was wide awake but couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed.

“Are you ready to go?” he called to me from the closet as he got dressed when he’d come back up from having breakfast. I was still laying in bed and wasn’t anywhere near close.

“Yep, whenever you are,” I lied. I forced myself to sit up and get out of bed. I chose to stay in pajamas knowing he was going to drop me off at home. It wasn’t like my housemates had never seen me in them before. In fact, I was rarely dressed at all anymore.

“Okay, let’s go.” I followed him downstairs and got into his car. We drove to my house in silence. “I’ll stop by after practice.”

“Sid, you need a break.”

“A break from what?”

“Me.” He looked at me like I’d just slapped him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. I let my head fall back to the headrest.

“You’re stressed out. I can see it. Go out with the guys sometime. I won’t be upset. I have the girls here. Do something for yourself.” He sighed and shook his head.

“You’re not a chore, Tanner.”

“I know, but you need guy time. There are four other people here who can and are willing to share the responsibilities of getting me places and making sure I'm okay. I don’t care when it is, but you need to pick a night and go out. Just please promise you’ll go and have a good time.” He let out an unnecessary dramatic sigh.

“I’ll see, okay?” I smiled and opened the car door.

“I love you. Have fun.” I closed the door and walked inside.

About a week later I spent an entire day laying on the couch watching TV. I couldn’t figure out what was bothering me for the past week. All I knew was that I felt like something was wrong even though I couldn’t explain it. Just before one of Sid’s games I hadn’t felt up to going to I finally felt like I had enough energy to get in the shower. I turned on the hot water and stripped down.

I stepped in and let the water run over me for a few minutes until I felt relaxed. I had closed my eyes, just allowing the warm sensations to run over me. I ran a hand through my hair and opened my eyes. I let out a gasp at what I saw. Clumps of my hair were circling the drain. I ran my hand through my hair again and another clump came out with it.

I forgot about showering as tears came to my eyes. I fell to the floor of the shower and stared at my hair clogging the drain. I just sat there and cried. I lost complete track of time as the tears fell. I’d known this was coming, but I wasn’t at all prepared for it. I heard a knock at the door and swallowed before answering.

“Tanner? You’ve been in there for 45 minutes and the game is starting. Are you okay?” Kelly called through the door. I shut off the water.

“I’ll be right out!” I called.

I wrapped the rest of my hair in a towel in embarrassment and dried off. I put the clothes I’d brought in with me on and took my place on the couch. It got to be midnight and Sidney hadn’t come by yet. He must have gone out with the guys. Why had he chosen tonight to be the night to go out? I needed him. He hadn’t even checked in.

Tired of watching brainless TV while waiting for him to come home I made my way into my room. I got into bed and attempted to sleep but I couldn’t stop my brain from thinking. How was it that the one night I’ve really needed Sidney he chose to go out? And why hadn’t he called to say that he was? I heard my phone ring and saw that it was Grace.

“Hey,” I answered. I could hear music in the background and figured she was out with Jordan.

“Did something happen between you and Sid?” she asked. I sat up.

“No, why?”

“Well, he’s here and he never comes out without you. He’s kind of…..well…..if nothing happened, it’s not a big deal,” she stammered.

“What the hell is going on?” I asked.

“He’s just been with Max all night and Brianne’s not in town,” she replied.

I clenched my jaw knowing exactly what that meant. Max and Brianne had a strange relationship. They broke up and got back together about once a week. When they were broken up Max went after any ass he could find. I didn’t judge him. Brianne knew exactly what he was doing and it didn’t seem to bother her much, so I didn’t see why it should bother me. Except for tonight.

“Is he driving?”
“No, he wanted a ride with me back to the house since he's been drinking.”

“Get him a ride back to his place.” I didn’t give Grace time to respond before hanging up.
I was angry. No, I wasn’t angry, I was pissed. She hadn’t said he was doing anything wrong, but that didn’t matter. Today was really one of the only days since I’d started treatment that I desperately needed him instead of the girls around and he hadn’t bothered to even call me after the game so I could ask him to come over instead. Well, I didn’t need him coming here drunk and smelling like booze either.

At about 10 the next morning I heard a knock on my door. I hadn’t slept most of the night. Instead I had tossed and turned with a million thoughts running through my head. I looked up to see Lisa open the door and peek in.

“Hey, I wasn’t sure if you were awake. I’m making waffles and wanted to know if you wanted me to make you some. I have fresh strawberries and everything,” she said with a smile.

“No, thanks,” I responded and pulled the blankets over my head. I expected to hear my door close but I felt her sit on my bed instead.

“Okay, you were quiet during the game last night and now you don’t want waffles with strawberries? What is going on? I know something’s wrong.” I sighed and pulled the blankets off of me hating that she knew me so well.

“Look,” I said simply. I reached up and brushed the hair from my face. I noticed that more hair had fallen out during the night. I saw her eyes widen when she saw me. I wasn’t sure exactly how I looked, but I could tell that it was obvious.

“I’ve got an idea. Get up and get dressed.”

She pranced out of my room and I stared after her. I pulled the blankets back over my head so I could stay in bed. I quickly changed my mind when I realized she wouldn’t allow me to. I got up and threw on a pair of jeans, a sweatshirt, and a hat. I walked out into the living room to see her coming down the stairs holding her car keys.

“What are we doing?” I asked.

“You’ll see,” she told me cryptically.

I rolled my eyes and got into her car. She drove for a bit until she finally pulled into a parking lot. I wasn’t sure where exactly we were going and looked around at the store fronts trying to figure it out. When I saw the sign I knew.

“I don’t know that I’m ready for this,” I said.

“When will you be? We don’t have to get anything. We can just have fun with it.” I nodded and got out of the car, following her inside.

I stopped just inside the door and looked around at all the wigs. It looked like everything you could possibly want was available. The fact that I even had to look at wigs began to upset me all over again. I didn’t have time to get too upset as I felt something hit me in the side. I looked down at the floor and saw a blonde wig lying next to me.

“I always wanted to know what you looked like as a blonde,” Lisa called over. I picked it up and shook my head.

“Blonde is not my color,” I called back tossing it back to her. She rolled her eyes.

“Right now, everything is your color.”

She carried an outrageously bright red wig over to me and before I could stop her she had pulled my hat off and put it on my head. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and couldn’t help but smile. I looked ridiculous. I loved it.

Lisa and I spent the next hour trying on just about every wig in the store. After trying on all the crazy wigs I knew I wouldn’t buy we began to look for stuff I would actually like. I told her about the situation with Sidney not being there last night. She did her best to give me advice, but I still didn't feel any better about it.

We walked out of the store with four wigs in tow and drove back to the house. I was extremely grateful that it was Lisa who had taken me. She was the comic of the group and she made an uncomfortable situation seem fun.

I’d left my phone in my room when we’d gone and I saw that the red light was flashing, informing me that I had a message. When I looked at it, I saw that I had about a dozen of them, all from Sidney. I sighed before sending him a text telling him to come over when he could. Half an hour later he was at the front door.

“You’re mad at me,” he said when I pulled open the door. I just shrugged and moved aside so he could come in. “I’m really sorry, Tanner, but I have no idea what I did.” I walked into my bedroom and he followed me in. I shut the door behind us.

“You didn’t call last night,” I said to him.

“I didn’t know I had to check in,” he replied getting defensive.

“You always call.” He sighed.

“You told me to go out with the guys so I went out with the guys.”

“But you didn’t call to tell me.” He let out a frustrated growl.

“Is that all your going to say? I’m sorry I didn’t call. I figured that since Grace and Hailey were with us you would know, okay?”

“I really needed you last night and if you’d called I could have told you that. Instead you spent the night getting drunk with Max and whatever jersey chasers he was hitting on at the time.” I sat down on the bed while Sidney remained standing.

“Do you honestly think I did anything?” Now he started to sound angry.

"Well, I wouldn't blame you. Who wants to date the girl with cancer?" I yelled, sarcastically.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! I've been by your side the whole time! It's stressful having to deal with you and hockey at the same time!" he yelled back.

"Well, I'm glad I'm something you have to 'deal with.' I don't need you to deal with me. If that's how you feel about it, then just get out."

"Jesus, Tanner, you can't be serious! I've never once complained!" he growled out in exasperation.

"Not to me anyway," I shot at him.

"Yes, it's been hard. It's hard for everyone, Tanner. This doesn't just affect you. It affects everyone in your life! You need to realize that!"

"I don't need you! I don't need any of them! I've always taken care of myself and I can keep taking care of myself. I didn't ask for cancer and I never asked for you help. You gave it to me, Sidney, and I accepted it, but I didn't ask for it!" Tears were threatening to spill down my face. I hadn't intended on this happening, but we were in our first ever full on screaming match.

"You can't do this on your own. Why are you being so stubborn about this? Just accept that other people are involved!"

“No, Sidney. This isn’t about you or them. It’s about me. It’s about this!” I yelled pulling my hat off and letting my hair fall to my shoulders. He glared at me for a minute, but then his gaze softened.

“Oh God, Tanner.” He fell to the bed next to me and grabbed my hand. “I’m an idiot.” I felt the tears start to fall. It wasn’t exactly how I’d planned on telling him, but now it was out.

“I noticed last night before the game. All I wanted was to just be with you. I really wanted you to be here.” It was then that I realized I was wrong. I'd said I didn't need anyone, but that wasn't true. I really needed him. He pulled me into his arms and I buried my face into his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry. I should have called. I should have been here.” I didn’t say anything. There wasn’t anything really to say. I knew that we both felt terrible about the things we'd said.

“I bought some wigs with Lisa today. I can be a whole new person if I want,” I told him after a few minutes, trying to lighten the mood. He pulled away.

“What kind of wigs?” he asked. I could see a hint of a smile playing on his lips. I grabbed the bag and pulled one out, putting it on.

“How does blonde look on me?” I asked. He just laughed and kissed me.“I think you’re beautiful no matter what color your hair is.” I smiled at him, glad to have that weight off of my shoulders.