I sat up straight with Sidney’s help when the doctor walked into the room. They had to have results now. I just didn’t think I could take much more of the testing and uncertainty. I just wanted to know the seriousness of the cancer, and I prayed that we’d caught it early again. I held onto Sidney’s hand limply, because I just didn’t have the strength to do more than just place it in his.
“Do you know anything?” I asked.
“Yes, we have the results,” the doctor replied. I watched as he glanced down at his chart as if he had to double check what it said before he told me. The suspense was literally killing me and I wanted to scream at him to just say it. “I’m afraid to say that we put you through more testing than necessary.”
“What does that mean?” I questioned. I had no idea how to interpret that statement. Was I so far along that there was just nothing they could do to save me?
“It means that we were too hasty in our assumptions. None of the tests we gave you were necessary.” I watched the doctor start to smile at me. “The cancer is not back. You’re still in remission.”
It took a minute for the news to sink in. When I’d played what he’d said over in my head a few times it finally hit me. The cancer hadn’t come back. I wasn’t sick. I wasn’t going to die. Tears sprung into my eyes at the pure joy and relief I was experiencing. Then all of those emotions faded. Something was still wrong. Could it be worse?
“I don’t have cancer?” I double checked.
“No, you don’t,” he confirmed.
“But what’s wrong with me then? Something’s wrong,” I pushed. He smiled at me again.
“I wouldn’t exactly say that anything was wrong, but there is a reason for you to be feeling the way you do.” I held my breath as I waited for the diagnosis. “Tanner, you’re pregnant.”
My eyes widened in surprise and I somehow found the strength to nearly break Sidney’s hand in half. My jaw dropped in absolute shock. Had I heard him right? Did he say I was pregnant? Oh, shit. I wasn’t sure I liked the news. I wasn’t even sure I could process it. My emotions had been all over the place since yesterday when I’d thought it was the cancer. It was just too much right now.
“You’re sure?” I asked. He nodded.
“Yeah, I am. We think you’re about six weeks along now,” he replied.
Six weeks. Six weeks ago my birth control had failed me. Six weeks ago Sidney and I did something that was about to change our lives completely. Six fucking weeks ago. I was just not prepared for this. I wasn’t sure I wanted this. Sidney and I had never even had a conversation about having kids. I just figured we would wait a few years. Now we didn’t have a choice.
The doctor left after suggesting we make an appointment with an OB right away. Sidney still hadn’t said a word since we found out the news and neither of us had even looked at each other. Now I was just sitting on the bed staring at the floor while Sidney stood motionless next to me.
How was he going to feel about all of this? Was he going to be upset? Happy? Was I upset? Happy? I’m terrible with the unexpected. I’m such a planner that this was just throwing me off so much. I hadn’t planned or prepared for this, so it was hard for me to comprehend. And not hearing any sort of reaction from Sidney yet wasn’t helping.
I finally sucked it up and turned my head to look up at him. His eyes were focused on a spot on the wall across the room, but when he noticed me looking he turned his eyes to me. We just stared at each other with shock written all over our faces. I wasn’t sure what to say, and I was almost breaking down into tears. I just wanted him to tell me how he felt.
Sidney remained quiet and my mind continued to spin. Then I watched as Sidney’s eyes left mine and traveled down to my abdomen. He stared for a minute and then I watched his hand lift from his side. He moved slowly, but a few seconds later his hand was resting on my stomach and I suddenly knew how I felt. It hit me with his touch.
His eyes lifted back up to mine and at the same time smiles broke out across our faces. We both started to laugh and the tears finally spilled down my cheeks as he wrapped his arms tightly around me. We just held onto each other laughing and crying out all of our emotions. It was relief mixed with ecstasy.
“So you’re going to be a dad,” I said when we finally pulled apart.
“And you’re going to be a mom,” he returned. We both continued to grin like fools at each other.
“Are you okay with that?” I asked.
“I’m more than okay with that,” he answered.
After a little more tears and laughter I got up and got dressed before we checked out of the hospital. As we walked out to Sidney’s car I had just a mix of thoughts running through my head. So many thoughts were swirling around that I couldn’t even make sense of them. Until one felt like it hit me straight between the eyes.
“We can’t tell anyone,” I announced as we got into the car. Sidney looked over at me in surprise.
“What? Why? They’ll be excited for us,” he questioned.
“I know but…..I don’t want to jinx anything. I don’t want to tell everyone in case something happens. Can we wait? Just until three months when we know that everything is probably going to be okay?” Sidney smiled over at me and placed his hand over mine.
“We can wait.” I smiled back at him and settled back into my seat. Sidney started up the car and we began the drive home when another thought struck me.
“We have to go to Mario’s,” I told him. He glanced over at me in confusion.
“Why?” he wondered.
“Mario thinks the cancer is back. We have to tell him and Nathalie the truth. I don’t want them spending the next two months worrying about me. We have to tell them.”
Sidney agreed and we headed in the direction of their house. We pulled into the driveway and Sidney and I both took deep breaths and laughed a bit before we got out of the car and walked up to the door. We waited after ringing the doorbell until Nathalie pulled it open. She looked at the two of us with sadness in her eyes and if felt so good to know that we were going to be changing that soon.
“Come in,” she told us and led us into the family room before calling for Mario.
Sidney and I sat down on one of the couches and waited for Mario to come in. When he saw that it was the two of us he gave us each a sad smile before sitting down next to Nathalie across from us. Sidney squeezed my hand out of sight before we began the announcement.
“How are you feeling?” Mario asked.
“Emotional,” I told him truthfully. They took it completely different from how it was intended and I felt bad for leading them on a bit. “We got the test results back today.” I looked over at Sidney who looked back at me. “You tell them.” Sidney nodded and turned back to them.
“We don’t want to tell anyone about this for a while. We’re just telling you both because you already knew we were in the hospital. I hope you’ll understand,” Sidney said.
“Of course we won’t say anything. It’s not our place,” Nathalie confirmed. Sidney glanced over at me again before telling them.
“The cancer didn’t come back. Tanner’s still healthy.” The relief that washed over their faces was quickly followed by the same confusion I had felt when I’d heard the news. Just before Sidney finished the announcement I saw something in Nathalie’s eyes that told me she’d just figured it out. “We found out this morning that we are going to be parents.”
Nathalie leapt out of her seat with a yell and rushed right over to me. I stood up and accepted her hug as we both laughed like a couple of giddy teenagers. I watched as Mario also stood up and gave Sidney a hug with a huge smile on his face.
“How dare you two scare us like that!” Nathalie chastised as her and Mario switched places and hugged the other.
“I’m sorry. I had no idea it was even a possibility. It just never occurred to either of us. We’ve both had so much going on that I don’t think either of us thought about it with a clear head. We just assumed the worst,” I apologized.
“We are so happy for the both of you. I’ve been worried ever since you came to the rink yesterday,” Mario told us.
“Thank you for everything you’ve done since then, too,” Sidney said.
“We’re just going to wait until the third month before we tell anyone about it. I’m just afraid of jinxing it. There was no way I could let you two continue on thinking I was sick so that’s why we’re telling you now,” I explained.
“We won’t tell a soul,” Nathalie assured us.
Sidney and I stayed for a little while longer just sitting and talking with Mario and Nathalie before we headed home. When we walked through the door it was like Lulu and Gilly could sense that something was different. They didn’t jump up on me like they usually would have. Sidney and I marveled at the intelligence of our dogs before wrapping each other up into another laughter filled hug. We were going to have a baby.