So this is kind of a short chapter. Like I said last post, it's more filler than anything. It's also going to be the last for this story until after the Olympics. I have to see how they go before I can write the next one.
“You look great. Very professional,” Sidney told me, walking up behind me and catching my gaze in the mirror.
“Are you sure? I’m not too casual?” I asked. He grinned at me and chuckled as he looked at the crisp white shirt, black pants, and flats.
“If you get the job, you’re going to be wearing khakis the rest of your career. You think this is too casual?” he joked. I returned his smile and nodded.
“I can always count on you to put things into perspective. Thank you.” He placed a kiss on the top of my head and turned me around to face him.
“Don’t worry. They’re going to love you. Zack’s already basically told you that they were going to hire you. This is just a formality,” he said, referring to the head zookeeper we’d already met before. I let out a breath and nodded knowing, or hoping, that he was right.
“Okay, I’ll see you before you leave for the game,” I told him. He nodded as I grabbed my purse and resume and made my way downstairs, snatching my car keys on the way.
“Tell the polar bears I say hi!” Sidney called after the closing door. I couldn’t help but smile.
I arrived at the zoo an hour before my scheduled interview time. I figured if I was going to be here already I might as well stop and see the bears for a bit before I went in. I glanced at the other exhibits as I walked by, but didn’t stop until I reached the bears. I leaned on the railing and watched the sleeping forms, not even bothered by the cold January weather.
I went over a few things in my head that I wanted to make a point of saying in my interview. As I did I thought about the possible amazing start that 2010 was going to have. Good riddance 2009, I won’t miss you, I thought. This was a new year, a new start. Things with Sidney and I were perfect, Lulu and Gilly had adapted to our lives well and had made us fall head over heels in love with them, Sidney was officially although not surprisingly going to the Olympics, and I was interviewing for a job I knew I’d love. The year was starting off fantastically.
“How long have you been out here?” I heard someone ask. I looked up to see Zack approaching me with a smile on his face. I glanced at my watch.
“About half an hour,” I told him. He leaned next to me along the railing and nodded as he too looked out at the sleeping bears.
“I always come out here before an interview. The ones worth hiring always stop by and observe for a while before they head into the office. It shows that they really care,” he told me. My smile grew as I took that in. So far so good.
“I would have been here sooner if open hours started earlier.”
“Somehow I know that. Why don’t you follow me back to my office?”
I followed Zack through some doors and to his office. He chatted about things going on with some of the animals along the way and I took it all in. I handed over my resume once I was seated across from his desk and he only glanced at it for a second. I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.
“I usually start off my interviews by telling people that while working with animals can be fun and rewarding, it is hard work and can be dangerous. I’m not going to give you that speech. You’ve had more than your share of adversity this past year and being dedicated and hard-working is not something I can question you on. In fact, I only have two questions for you. What made you fall in love with bears, and what are you looking for out of this job?”
I was a little taken aback by what he said. I’d been fully prepared to answer questions, list qualifications, and the like. None of that seemed to matter to him. So instead of doing all of that I launched into the story I’d given Sidney about my first trip to the Bronx zoo and seeing the bears. I gave him every detail like I’d just experienced it and I watched him smile as I recounted it.
“As far as what I want out of the job, I just want to help. I want to help conserve not just bears, but any animal I can's existence and habitat. I want to help people be aware of the risks and benefits associated with these animals and help them to see that they can live with them. I want my children to be able to see every animal I’ve had the ability to see in the wild and not just in zoos.”
“The Olympics start in mid-February and last until the end of the month, am I correct?” I knew exactly why he was asking that, and I felt a knot in my stomach. I wanted nothing more than to go with Sidney to Vancouver, but if it meant losing my opportunity at this job I wouldn’t go.
“Yes, that’s correct.” He nodded and thought for a moment.
“Okay, well I’ll take you around the office, introduce you to some people, and get you to HR to fill out some paperwork. I’ll then see you next Monday at 8 am. You can spend until the Olympics shadowing and learning the job. You’ll officially start when you get back from Vancouver.” I couldn’t stop the grin from forming on my face.
“Thank you so much, Mr. Bairstow,” I said, shaking his hand.
“You’re first assignment is to stop being formal and start calling me Zack like everyone else here,” he told me with a laugh as we stood up and made our way out of his office.
He did as he said and introduced me to the people that were currently in the offices. Then he led me over to HR where I filled out all of the information necessary. Despite knowing that I was only interning to start and wouldn’t be getting paid, I walked out of the zoo the happiest person alive. It was starting. My dream was beginning to come true.
I made another stop at the polar bear exhibit to look out over the animals I was soon going to get to know very well. Then I got into my car and drove home to give Sidney the good news. He was asleep when I got there, and I didn’t want to wake him up before the game, so I just watched some TV until I heard him get up and start moving around.
“You’re looking at the new intern at the Pittsburgh Zoo,” I announced when I stepped into our bedroom. He rushed over and lifted me into his arms, kissing me long and hard.
“Congratulations, even though I knew you would be.”
“Well, thank you. I’m glad you were so sure. They even told me without me bringing it up that going to Vancouver with you would not interfere at all, which was my biggest fear.” He kissed me again, obviously just as happy about that news as I was.
“We’re going to celebrate tomorrow night. I’ll take you someplace nice for dinner. How does that sound?” he asked.
“Perfect,” I told him. This year really was starting out with a bang.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Chapter 56
So I just want to apologize for this and probably the upcoming chapter. I'm kind of stuck on this story right now. I know exactly where I want it to go, but it's the getting to that point part that's giving me fits. This and the next one will probably be filler chapters just to get to that point. Once again, I apologize!
I walked out of class with an enormous smile on my face. I was free. No more classes, no more papers, no more tests. Well, at least as an undergrad anyway. I stepped outside and paused for a moment to look around at the campus. I’d only be back one more time in a few days to graduate.
I saw other students on campus, some done for the semester, others still with a final to go. Most of them weren’t experiencing the kind of elation I was. Only a small number of seniors were graduating with me in a few days. Most graduated in the spring in May, not in December. I didn’t even know anyone that was. I turned my back on campus and made my way to my car. As I got closer I saw a figure leaning against my car.
My smile only grew at the sight. I knew that figure well. I couldn’t help but giggle to myself at all the people passing him by without a clue, thanks to the low slung cap and nondescript jeans and jacket. I broke out into a run and launched myself into his arms when he saw me coming.
“How does it feel to officially be done with school?” Sidney asked when I pulled away.
“Amazing. Are these for me?” I turned my attention to the bouquet of red and yellow roses.
“No, they’re for my other girlfriend.” I gave him a dirty look. “They said that red and yellow roses together symbolized congratulations. Since I can’t be here for your graduation, I wanted to give them to you now.” I took the roses from him and inhaled the scent. Then I tipped my head up and pressed my mouth to his.
A few months ago I would have been upset, even angry, about him missing my graduation, but not now. Of course it was disappointing that he’d be in Philadelphia instead of in the crowd, but it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t make the schedule, so there was no reason to be angry with him. Just knowing that I felt that way showed how much I’d matured in this relationship recently.
We parted ways, just for a little while, to drive home. Upon reaching it, we fell into a routine we were sure to do a few hundred more times. Sidney sat down next to me on the couch with his laptop on his lap as I flicked through channels. A little bit later he shut the laptop and headed upstairs for his pre-game nap. Two hours later he emerged dressed in a suit and gave me a kiss goodbye before leaving for the rink.
Once he left I made my way upstairs to get into the shower. I spent the next hour after I was out getting dressed, doing my makeup, and then my hair. I put on my jacket and grabbed my purse just as a car horn sounded from the driveway. I hopped into Vero’s car and we headed in to the rink together.
All the girls cheered at the end of the game when the Penguins destroyed the Flyers 6-1 in the first of their home and home. I grinned and clapped at Sidney’s first star selection and then we headed downstairs to wait for the guys. When I walked into the room I saw all the banners and balloons littering the walls.
“Congratulations!” everyone called out when I walked through the door. I couldn’t help but laugh and thank them for their thoughtfulness. I had no idea where I’d be without these girls.
Two days later I walked across the stage to accept my diploma. When the ceremony ended I was met with my friends, including Hailey who had flown in, and my parents and brother. Hugs were given out liberally before what must have been a million pictures were taken.
We all made our way back to my house where my mom cooked a large dinner for everyone and we spent the night watching the Penguins beat Philly in a shootout, with Sidney getting a goal. He was the only thing missing from my day, and I missed him and wished he was there. Unfortunately I knew it wouldn’t be the last time he wouldn’t be around for me on a big day.
A couple of days later he was home from his short road trip. We spent all of his off day decorating the house for Christmas. We’d decided that because they didn’t have a long break to just have our families come to Pittsburgh to celebrate. It was the first time for both of us to decorate a house for the holidays and I pretty much dragged him all around the city to buy decorations.
It took two days and a little help from some of the guys to get all the decorations up. When we had finally finished I collapsed back onto the couch and looked around me. The whole house looked so festive, and I loved it. Even so, I was tired, and fully planned on spending the rest of the day lounging lazily on the couch. Unfortunately, that wasn’t Sidney’s plan.
“Get up, we have somewhere to be,” he told me. I gave him a strange look, not having a clue what he was talking about.
“Where do we have to be?” I asked. He just shrugged and pulled me up off the couch by the hand.
“You’ll see,” was all he said. I narrowed my eyes at him. He knew I hated surprises and yet he was always surprising me.
“Wait, should I change?” I checked when I watched him grab his car keys. I glanced down at the lululemon pants and zip-up I was currently wearing. It wasn’t exactly my ideal outfit to be traipsing around Pittsburgh in.
“No, that’s fine. You probably don’t want to dress up more than that,” he told me. Now I was really confused.
“Are you taking me to the gym?” I questioned, less than enthused as I followed him to the garage and got into the car. He simply laughed at me and shook his head.
Despite my millions of questions, pressing for any information on where we were going, he remained tight-lipped and wouldn’t tell me. I tried to figure it out based on the route we were taking, but I was simply lost. The streets we were turning down made absolutely no sense to me. That was until he pulled into the parking lot and came to a stop.
“Are we getting a dog?!” I exclaimed excitedly when I saw the shelter looming in front of us. He laughed and nodded.
“You’ve been saying you wanted one, and with you just graduating and it being Christmas I thought we could pick one out,” he explained. I clapped my hands together excitedly before leaning over to hug him.
“Have I told you how much I love you lately?” He simply laughed at me again and led me inside. Thankfully Sidney had had the sense to bring me to the shelter to pick up a homeless dog rather than suggest going to a breeder. Pure bred dogs were so much more likely to find a home than a mutt at the shelter.
We were led back to the kennels where the dogs were being held. I hadn’t expected it, but the second we walked through the door I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. As I looked down the row of kennels I wondered how I could possibly pick a dog and leave the others. They all deserved good homes.
We made our way down the rows stopping to look at each dog and find out a little about them. Through some long conversations and heart-wrenching decision making I narrowed the dogs down to two. The first was a female black and tan Rottie/Retriever mix named Lulu and the second was a male black and white Border Collie/Shepherd mix named Gilligan.
“How am I supposed to pick between them? Just look at how cute they are!” I whined to Sidney in complete despair. He smiled at me sadly and shrugged.
I continued to make the trek back and forth between the two kennels, looking at both of them, waiting for something to tell me which one I should get. Both of them continued to look out at me with hopeful eyes, wagging their tails each time I approached them, mouths open in a smile. It was breaking my heart.
“Get them both,” I heard Sidney say from behind me. I spun around in surprise.
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked.
“If you can’t decide, get them both,” he repeated. My eyes went wide and I tried to keep the smile off of my face.
“Are you sure?” I checked.
“Consider Lulu a graduation present and Gilligan a Christmas present.” I let out a squeal of delight and threw my arms around him.
“They’re both under a year old. Are you really sure?”
“Do it now before I change my mind.”
A little while later Sidney and I walked out of the humane society with two dogs on leashes. He dropped me off at the house before running out and getting all the items I wrote down on a list for them. By the end of the night he was complaining about the lack of attention I was giving him because I was only paying attention to the dogs, who were both complete sweethearts.
“What do you think our families are going to say when they get here tomorrow?” I asked as we got into bed that night. Lulu and Gilly, as I’d decided to call him, were in their crates since they weren’t housebroken yet.
“They’re going to think we’re insane for taking on two dogs under the age of 1,” he replied.
That’s exactly what happened with both sets of parents as they showed up at our house the next day. Even so, they seemed to love Lulu and Gilly as much as I already did. The whole family had them outside playing and running around the backyard as Sidney napped before the last game before break.
Christmas went by without a hitch, everyone enjoying themselves over the couple of days Sidney had off. By the time our parents both headed back home I’d already taught both dogs a few tricks and I was starting to work on a few more. It shocked everyone how quickly I seemed to take to being a dog owner.
I’d never been able to have pets before with my family in Manhattan and I was surprised at how complete I suddenly felt having them in the house. Obviously I’d always known I had a love for animals, but until I took in two of them I hadn’t realized just how much they could fulfill my life. I was in love with my new “kids” as I called them and thankfully Sidney was too.
I walked out of class with an enormous smile on my face. I was free. No more classes, no more papers, no more tests. Well, at least as an undergrad anyway. I stepped outside and paused for a moment to look around at the campus. I’d only be back one more time in a few days to graduate.
I saw other students on campus, some done for the semester, others still with a final to go. Most of them weren’t experiencing the kind of elation I was. Only a small number of seniors were graduating with me in a few days. Most graduated in the spring in May, not in December. I didn’t even know anyone that was. I turned my back on campus and made my way to my car. As I got closer I saw a figure leaning against my car.
My smile only grew at the sight. I knew that figure well. I couldn’t help but giggle to myself at all the people passing him by without a clue, thanks to the low slung cap and nondescript jeans and jacket. I broke out into a run and launched myself into his arms when he saw me coming.
“How does it feel to officially be done with school?” Sidney asked when I pulled away.
“Amazing. Are these for me?” I turned my attention to the bouquet of red and yellow roses.
“No, they’re for my other girlfriend.” I gave him a dirty look. “They said that red and yellow roses together symbolized congratulations. Since I can’t be here for your graduation, I wanted to give them to you now.” I took the roses from him and inhaled the scent. Then I tipped my head up and pressed my mouth to his.
A few months ago I would have been upset, even angry, about him missing my graduation, but not now. Of course it was disappointing that he’d be in Philadelphia instead of in the crowd, but it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t make the schedule, so there was no reason to be angry with him. Just knowing that I felt that way showed how much I’d matured in this relationship recently.
We parted ways, just for a little while, to drive home. Upon reaching it, we fell into a routine we were sure to do a few hundred more times. Sidney sat down next to me on the couch with his laptop on his lap as I flicked through channels. A little bit later he shut the laptop and headed upstairs for his pre-game nap. Two hours later he emerged dressed in a suit and gave me a kiss goodbye before leaving for the rink.
Once he left I made my way upstairs to get into the shower. I spent the next hour after I was out getting dressed, doing my makeup, and then my hair. I put on my jacket and grabbed my purse just as a car horn sounded from the driveway. I hopped into Vero’s car and we headed in to the rink together.
All the girls cheered at the end of the game when the Penguins destroyed the Flyers 6-1 in the first of their home and home. I grinned and clapped at Sidney’s first star selection and then we headed downstairs to wait for the guys. When I walked into the room I saw all the banners and balloons littering the walls.
“Congratulations!” everyone called out when I walked through the door. I couldn’t help but laugh and thank them for their thoughtfulness. I had no idea where I’d be without these girls.
Two days later I walked across the stage to accept my diploma. When the ceremony ended I was met with my friends, including Hailey who had flown in, and my parents and brother. Hugs were given out liberally before what must have been a million pictures were taken.
We all made our way back to my house where my mom cooked a large dinner for everyone and we spent the night watching the Penguins beat Philly in a shootout, with Sidney getting a goal. He was the only thing missing from my day, and I missed him and wished he was there. Unfortunately I knew it wouldn’t be the last time he wouldn’t be around for me on a big day.
A couple of days later he was home from his short road trip. We spent all of his off day decorating the house for Christmas. We’d decided that because they didn’t have a long break to just have our families come to Pittsburgh to celebrate. It was the first time for both of us to decorate a house for the holidays and I pretty much dragged him all around the city to buy decorations.
It took two days and a little help from some of the guys to get all the decorations up. When we had finally finished I collapsed back onto the couch and looked around me. The whole house looked so festive, and I loved it. Even so, I was tired, and fully planned on spending the rest of the day lounging lazily on the couch. Unfortunately, that wasn’t Sidney’s plan.
“Get up, we have somewhere to be,” he told me. I gave him a strange look, not having a clue what he was talking about.
“Where do we have to be?” I asked. He just shrugged and pulled me up off the couch by the hand.
“You’ll see,” was all he said. I narrowed my eyes at him. He knew I hated surprises and yet he was always surprising me.
“Wait, should I change?” I checked when I watched him grab his car keys. I glanced down at the lululemon pants and zip-up I was currently wearing. It wasn’t exactly my ideal outfit to be traipsing around Pittsburgh in.
“No, that’s fine. You probably don’t want to dress up more than that,” he told me. Now I was really confused.
“Are you taking me to the gym?” I questioned, less than enthused as I followed him to the garage and got into the car. He simply laughed at me and shook his head.
Despite my millions of questions, pressing for any information on where we were going, he remained tight-lipped and wouldn’t tell me. I tried to figure it out based on the route we were taking, but I was simply lost. The streets we were turning down made absolutely no sense to me. That was until he pulled into the parking lot and came to a stop.
“Are we getting a dog?!” I exclaimed excitedly when I saw the shelter looming in front of us. He laughed and nodded.
“You’ve been saying you wanted one, and with you just graduating and it being Christmas I thought we could pick one out,” he explained. I clapped my hands together excitedly before leaning over to hug him.
“Have I told you how much I love you lately?” He simply laughed at me again and led me inside. Thankfully Sidney had had the sense to bring me to the shelter to pick up a homeless dog rather than suggest going to a breeder. Pure bred dogs were so much more likely to find a home than a mutt at the shelter.
We were led back to the kennels where the dogs were being held. I hadn’t expected it, but the second we walked through the door I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. As I looked down the row of kennels I wondered how I could possibly pick a dog and leave the others. They all deserved good homes.
We made our way down the rows stopping to look at each dog and find out a little about them. Through some long conversations and heart-wrenching decision making I narrowed the dogs down to two. The first was a female black and tan Rottie/Retriever mix named Lulu and the second was a male black and white Border Collie/Shepherd mix named Gilligan.
“How am I supposed to pick between them? Just look at how cute they are!” I whined to Sidney in complete despair. He smiled at me sadly and shrugged.
I continued to make the trek back and forth between the two kennels, looking at both of them, waiting for something to tell me which one I should get. Both of them continued to look out at me with hopeful eyes, wagging their tails each time I approached them, mouths open in a smile. It was breaking my heart.
“Get them both,” I heard Sidney say from behind me. I spun around in surprise.
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked.
“If you can’t decide, get them both,” he repeated. My eyes went wide and I tried to keep the smile off of my face.
“Are you sure?” I checked.
“Consider Lulu a graduation present and Gilligan a Christmas present.” I let out a squeal of delight and threw my arms around him.
“They’re both under a year old. Are you really sure?”
“Do it now before I change my mind.”
A little while later Sidney and I walked out of the humane society with two dogs on leashes. He dropped me off at the house before running out and getting all the items I wrote down on a list for them. By the end of the night he was complaining about the lack of attention I was giving him because I was only paying attention to the dogs, who were both complete sweethearts.
“What do you think our families are going to say when they get here tomorrow?” I asked as we got into bed that night. Lulu and Gilly, as I’d decided to call him, were in their crates since they weren’t housebroken yet.
“They’re going to think we’re insane for taking on two dogs under the age of 1,” he replied.
That’s exactly what happened with both sets of parents as they showed up at our house the next day. Even so, they seemed to love Lulu and Gilly as much as I already did. The whole family had them outside playing and running around the backyard as Sidney napped before the last game before break.
Christmas went by without a hitch, everyone enjoying themselves over the couple of days Sidney had off. By the time our parents both headed back home I’d already taught both dogs a few tricks and I was starting to work on a few more. It shocked everyone how quickly I seemed to take to being a dog owner.
I’d never been able to have pets before with my family in Manhattan and I was surprised at how complete I suddenly felt having them in the house. Obviously I’d always known I had a love for animals, but until I took in two of them I hadn’t realized just how much they could fulfill my life. I was in love with my new “kids” as I called them and thankfully Sidney was too.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Chapter 55
Sidney walked out of the rink and headed to his car. They’d lost yesterday afternoon to the Islanders and were playing the Rangers tonight. He hadn’t played his best game yesterday, and that was probably due to the emotional rollercoaster he and Tanner had been on the day before. Well, maybe all the alcohol contributed. It had been a back and forth fight and make up session. Thankfully everything had been resolved.
Tanner had moved back in yesterday while he was in Long Island. He’d come home to boxes and bags everywhere. To be honest, they hadn’t exactly gotten a lot of unpacking done after he’d gotten home, either. He’d left the house this morning with her still asleep, but he was hoping she’d gotten up and had continued the process.
He drove home with a smile on his face. Even if she still hadn’t finished, he didn’t care. He was just happy that she was home again. November had been a miserable month for him, but things were starting to look up for December. He pulled into the garage when he got home and made his way into the house.
He heard Tanner’s laughter floating into the kitchen from the living room. His smile grew at the sound of it. There was no better sound in the world right now. When he walked in, he saw that she was sitting alone on the couch, with a laptop on her lap, laughing at whatever she was watching. He could hear a faint voice coming out of the speakers, but couldn’t tell what was being said.
“What are you watching?” he asked, making his way further into the room. She looked up at him, and his smile grew even bigger, if that was possible. The sparkle was back in her eyes.
“I just discovered some website called hockeyfights.com,” she replied. His smile faltered and he narrowed his eyes at her.
“And what’s so funny?” He had a feeling he knew the answer.
“I’ve been watching your fights all morning. I realized that I hadn’t seen a single one of the four.” She giggled again when she looked back at the screen.
“How did you find that site?” She shrugged and closed the laptop, placing it on the table in front of her.
“I was bored and just searching around on the internet.” He glanced around at the boxes still sitting in the hallway.
“If you were bored, you could have unpacked some more.” She rolled her eyes at him before standing up.
“Yeah, because that would have been super fun!” she joked sarcastically. He made a face.
“So you chose to laugh at my fights instead?” She made her way over to him with a sympathetic look on her face, and wrapped her arms around his neck.
“Aw, I wasn’t laughing at you. I thought it was kind of sexy to watch you bloody those two guys.” He looked down at her skeptically.
“Really?” She kissed him in response. He didn’t hesitate in lifting her up off the floor and beginning to carry her towards the stairs.
“Isn’t it a game day?” she asked, pulling away from him.
“I don’t care.” She giggled before kissing him again.
He was done caring about game day rituals and superstitions. If he could keep a routine, then fine, but he wasn’t going to let something small throw off his entire day and night. There were more important things in life. It may have taken him a long time to figure that out, but he knew that now. Better late than never, right?
As I watched Sidney get dressed for the game that night I sent a text to Vero asking her if she could pick me up for the game that night. None of the Penguins girls, except for Grace, knew that Sidney and I were back together, so I started preparing myself way ahead of time. They were going to want details. Sidney kissed me goodbye just as I received a text back from her.
You want to come? Is Grace working late so she can’t bring you?
“Score a goal for me babe!” I called at Sidney’s retreating back.
“I’ll do my best!” he returned with a wave and a wink. I turned my attention back to my phone.
No, she’s not. I’m just home. I didn’t specify which home that was. I knew that she’d know. When I got a message back from her, I saw that she definitely did.
YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! I’ll see you at 6. We have a lot to talk about!!!!!
I laughed and closed out of the message before getting up and hopping into the shower. Once I was ready for the game I made my way downstairs to wait for Vero. She was on time and I got into the car to see her beaming at me.
“I missed you!” she exclaimed, reaching over to give me a hug.
“I missed you too!”
She backed out of the driveway and headed for the rink before starting up on the questions. I convinced her to let me wait until we got there and saw the rest of the girls so I wouldn’t have to tell the whole story numerous times. We went to our seats, sat down, and I went through the whole thing with all of the other girls.
Without going into too much detail, because as far as I was concerned the reasons for our fight were between Sidney and I, I explained what had happened to all of them. Then I explained how we ended up having it out and resolving everything. Once I’d told them all, they let it go, saying they were just happy we were back together.
I settled back to watch the game with everyone, a genuine smile on my face. I stood up and cheered probably louder than the entire arena combined when Sidney scored in the first. There was my goal. I’d asked for one and he gave it to me.
I would have been happy with just the one goal, but Sidney had to outdo himself. My smile grew as the third period went on as I watched him score his second goal of the game. Then I stood cheering and clapping as hats rained down on the ice. More than normal flew down in an amazing visual, thanks to the free hats given out before the game.
I remained standing for a while as the ice crew got to work cleaning up the mess of hats. I kept my eye on Sidney, watching him smile and laugh with his teammates. Then he turned in my direction and I watched as he placed his right hand over his heart, a smile still on his face. It was a simple enough gesture that most wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but I knew.
You couldn’t have kept me quiet when he skated out to accept being the first star of the game. Anyone who heard me would have thought they’d won the Cup a second year in a row, but I didn’t care. My life was back to normal again, and the love of my life had just played an unbelievable game. There was a lot for me to happy for.
I paced around the family room once I got down there. I just wanted to see him, to congratulate him, to be in his arms. I just wanted it to be the two of us tonight, celebrating, because come Monday my life was over for a couple of weeks.
December was starting, which meant the end of the semester. That meant papers, tests, presentations, anything to finalize the entire semester worth of classes. That was always followed by finals. Until finals were over, my life was going to revolve around school and nothing else. But not tonight. Tonight my life revolved around Sidney.
I watched the door open time after time, only to see other guys come through the door. They all greeted me and told me Sidney would be a while, but I knew that. Finally, the door opened and it was him. He barely had time to see me before I was in his arms. He laughed as he hugged me.
“Well, hello,” he joked. I pulled back and gave him a long, hard kiss, not caring who was left to see it.
“Nice game,” I told him.
“You asked for a goal. I thought three was fair.” I grinned and nodded before kissing him again.
We walked out of the arena hand in hand with matching grins on our faces. I waited impatiently in the car as he signed autographs for fans and good-naturedly talked with them about the hat trick. Finally he was in the driver’s seat and we were headed home. So this was what normal life was like.
Tanner had moved back in yesterday while he was in Long Island. He’d come home to boxes and bags everywhere. To be honest, they hadn’t exactly gotten a lot of unpacking done after he’d gotten home, either. He’d left the house this morning with her still asleep, but he was hoping she’d gotten up and had continued the process.
He drove home with a smile on his face. Even if she still hadn’t finished, he didn’t care. He was just happy that she was home again. November had been a miserable month for him, but things were starting to look up for December. He pulled into the garage when he got home and made his way into the house.
He heard Tanner’s laughter floating into the kitchen from the living room. His smile grew at the sound of it. There was no better sound in the world right now. When he walked in, he saw that she was sitting alone on the couch, with a laptop on her lap, laughing at whatever she was watching. He could hear a faint voice coming out of the speakers, but couldn’t tell what was being said.
“What are you watching?” he asked, making his way further into the room. She looked up at him, and his smile grew even bigger, if that was possible. The sparkle was back in her eyes.
“I just discovered some website called hockeyfights.com,” she replied. His smile faltered and he narrowed his eyes at her.
“And what’s so funny?” He had a feeling he knew the answer.
“I’ve been watching your fights all morning. I realized that I hadn’t seen a single one of the four.” She giggled again when she looked back at the screen.
“How did you find that site?” She shrugged and closed the laptop, placing it on the table in front of her.
“I was bored and just searching around on the internet.” He glanced around at the boxes still sitting in the hallway.
“If you were bored, you could have unpacked some more.” She rolled her eyes at him before standing up.
“Yeah, because that would have been super fun!” she joked sarcastically. He made a face.
“So you chose to laugh at my fights instead?” She made her way over to him with a sympathetic look on her face, and wrapped her arms around his neck.
“Aw, I wasn’t laughing at you. I thought it was kind of sexy to watch you bloody those two guys.” He looked down at her skeptically.
“Really?” She kissed him in response. He didn’t hesitate in lifting her up off the floor and beginning to carry her towards the stairs.
“Isn’t it a game day?” she asked, pulling away from him.
“I don’t care.” She giggled before kissing him again.
He was done caring about game day rituals and superstitions. If he could keep a routine, then fine, but he wasn’t going to let something small throw off his entire day and night. There were more important things in life. It may have taken him a long time to figure that out, but he knew that now. Better late than never, right?
As I watched Sidney get dressed for the game that night I sent a text to Vero asking her if she could pick me up for the game that night. None of the Penguins girls, except for Grace, knew that Sidney and I were back together, so I started preparing myself way ahead of time. They were going to want details. Sidney kissed me goodbye just as I received a text back from her.
You want to come? Is Grace working late so she can’t bring you?
“Score a goal for me babe!” I called at Sidney’s retreating back.
“I’ll do my best!” he returned with a wave and a wink. I turned my attention back to my phone.
No, she’s not. I’m just home. I didn’t specify which home that was. I knew that she’d know. When I got a message back from her, I saw that she definitely did.
YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! I’ll see you at 6. We have a lot to talk about!!!!!
I laughed and closed out of the message before getting up and hopping into the shower. Once I was ready for the game I made my way downstairs to wait for Vero. She was on time and I got into the car to see her beaming at me.
“I missed you!” she exclaimed, reaching over to give me a hug.
“I missed you too!”
She backed out of the driveway and headed for the rink before starting up on the questions. I convinced her to let me wait until we got there and saw the rest of the girls so I wouldn’t have to tell the whole story numerous times. We went to our seats, sat down, and I went through the whole thing with all of the other girls.
Without going into too much detail, because as far as I was concerned the reasons for our fight were between Sidney and I, I explained what had happened to all of them. Then I explained how we ended up having it out and resolving everything. Once I’d told them all, they let it go, saying they were just happy we were back together.
I settled back to watch the game with everyone, a genuine smile on my face. I stood up and cheered probably louder than the entire arena combined when Sidney scored in the first. There was my goal. I’d asked for one and he gave it to me.
I would have been happy with just the one goal, but Sidney had to outdo himself. My smile grew as the third period went on as I watched him score his second goal of the game. Then I stood cheering and clapping as hats rained down on the ice. More than normal flew down in an amazing visual, thanks to the free hats given out before the game.
I remained standing for a while as the ice crew got to work cleaning up the mess of hats. I kept my eye on Sidney, watching him smile and laugh with his teammates. Then he turned in my direction and I watched as he placed his right hand over his heart, a smile still on his face. It was a simple enough gesture that most wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but I knew.
You couldn’t have kept me quiet when he skated out to accept being the first star of the game. Anyone who heard me would have thought they’d won the Cup a second year in a row, but I didn’t care. My life was back to normal again, and the love of my life had just played an unbelievable game. There was a lot for me to happy for.
I paced around the family room once I got down there. I just wanted to see him, to congratulate him, to be in his arms. I just wanted it to be the two of us tonight, celebrating, because come Monday my life was over for a couple of weeks.
December was starting, which meant the end of the semester. That meant papers, tests, presentations, anything to finalize the entire semester worth of classes. That was always followed by finals. Until finals were over, my life was going to revolve around school and nothing else. But not tonight. Tonight my life revolved around Sidney.
I watched the door open time after time, only to see other guys come through the door. They all greeted me and told me Sidney would be a while, but I knew that. Finally, the door opened and it was him. He barely had time to see me before I was in his arms. He laughed as he hugged me.
“Well, hello,” he joked. I pulled back and gave him a long, hard kiss, not caring who was left to see it.
“Nice game,” I told him.
“You asked for a goal. I thought three was fair.” I grinned and nodded before kissing him again.
We walked out of the arena hand in hand with matching grins on our faces. I waited impatiently in the car as he signed autographs for fans and good-naturedly talked with them about the hat trick. Finally he was in the driver’s seat and we were headed home. So this was what normal life was like.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Chapter 54
So this chapter is a little different than others I've written. I kind of go back and forth between points of view a couple of times. It's also mostly dialogue with some time lapses. The best way I can describe it is if you've ever seen the episode of Gilmore Girls when it's Lorelai and Rory vs. Richard and Emily right after Rory moves out of her grandparents' house. It jumps between good moments and all out war without explaining how each scene got started. (Obviously you can tell where the inspiration came from) It's not something I plan on doing again, it just felt like it fit with the roller coaster confrontation Sidney and Tanner seemed to have coming. My apologies if it's too random for any of you!
I took a long gulp of the Captain and Diet I had in my hand. It was only 2 in the afternoon, but it was a necessary drink. I glared across the living room at Sidney who was holding a Crown and Coke. We knew that there were still things that had to be said before we’d be completely fine, and we had already started. Happy Thanksgiving, Tanner. Or not.
“You mean to tell me that you didn’t think having Tamara over here that night would piss me off as much as it did?” I questioned. Sidney returned my glare.
“I knew it would piss you off. I wanted it to piss you off. I just didn’t foresee the rest of the shit that happened that night,” he replied evenly.
“Are you referring to cooking for her when you’ve never cooked for me, or for drinking my bottle of wine?”
“I sent her down to grab a bottle. What were the odds that she would grab that one? I never even looked to see what she’d brought up. I just let her open it and pour a couple of glasses. I had no idea which bottle it was until you yelled at me about it.”
“You couldn’t even be bothered to check?!”
“To be honest, I forgot it was out there with the rest. It never occurred to me that there was a chance she would have chosen that one.”
“Oh, I see. Anything that represents my winning fight over cancer isn’t meaningful.”
“You’re putting words in my mouth!”
“Then use different words!”
“Are you kidding me right now?”
“Does it look like I’m kidding?”
“It looks like you’re looking for someone else to blame this fight on, instead of placing any of it on yourself.”
“You can fuck off with that statement!”
“Prove me wrong.”
Sidney looked over at Tanner, curled up in his arms. She lifted her head to look into his eyes. He couldn’t help but smile down at her. She was back home and was his again. He’d never complain about that. She stretched her neck up so that her lips met his and he kissed her back. She tasted like Captain, but he couldn’t complain about that either. He probably tasted like Crown.
“I missed you this past month,” she told him. His smile grew.
“I missed you this past month, too.”
“I felt like my life was over without you in it.”
“I know exactly what you mean.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Did you see how long my hair has gotten?” He couldn’t stifle the laugh.
“I did notice, actually.”
“I still have to wear a wig, but it’s coming back.”
“I don’t mind the wigs.”
“It’s still too short to be sure, but I don’t think it’s going to come back curly. I don’t want it to come back curly. I’ve never had curly hair and I wouldn’t know what to do with it.”
“I think you’d look beautiful no matter what your hair looked like.”
“See, this is why I love you.”
“Because I’m attracted to you?”
“No. Because you always know the right things to say.”
He grinned down at her before placing a kiss on her forehead. He placed little kisses from her forehead down to the tip of her nose, and then to her lips. She let out a soft moan when he kissed her, and it prompted him to kiss her harder. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he rolled back on top of her. He’d never complain about going round two with her so quickly, either.
I chugged the last of my third Captain and Diet and stormed out of the living room. Sometimes Sidney could be a jackass. No, an asshole. I filled up my glass half and half. I realized they were getting stronger as I drank more. They were supposed to be making this easier, but now I wasn’t so sure that they were.
“I wasn’t done talking to you!” Sidney exclaimed, walking into the kitchen. He slammed his glass down on the counter, before filling his up as well.
“I don’t give a shit. I needed another drink.”
“Yeah, we wouldn’t want you sober when we discuss you treating me like a piece of shit for the past year.”
“I’ve already told you! I had health concerns that put forgiving you on the backburner!”
“It’s not even just that. I did so much for you, and you never appreciated any of it!”
“I hated that you did all of it!”
“Are you kidding me right now?”
“I told you from the start that I was independent and I didn’t like having people do things for me that I could do for myself.”
“You couldn’t do them for yourself!”
“Oh, I could have done them without you just fine. I didn’t need you or anyone else treating me like an invalid, which is what you did!”
“I never treated you like that! All I tried to do was make a difficult time in your life just a little bit easier!”
“Well you made it harder!”
“For fucks sake, Tanner, you weren’t even going to have the surgery and get the chemo if it wasn’t for me!”
“Look at you, Mr. Big Head. Don’t flatter yourself.”
“Hey, you’re the one that told me you were going through with it because of me. I didn’t force you to say that.”
“You are completely insufferable!”
“Are you British now?”
Sidney started to laugh. He couldn’t help it. Anyone who looked at what the two of them looked like currently would have laughed too. Sidney wrapped his arms around Tanner’s waist and rested his chin on the top of her head as they gazed into the mirror at each other. They both smiled and Sidney placed a kiss on the top of her head, right on the scar from her surgery, before spinning her around to face him.
“You never cease to amaze me,” he told her. She smiled up at him.
“And you never cease to amaze me,” she returned.
They were done now. There wasn’t going to be any more fighting. He couldn’t explain how he knew that. He just knew. He had nothing left to bring up and he was sure she didn’t either. Even the air felt lighter, cleaner.
Things were normal for the first time in a year. Nothing was hanging over their heads anymore. There were no lies, no untold secrets. Tanner was healthy and gaining back her strength every day. In just a few weeks she’d be a college graduate and beginning to live her dream of working with animals. It was an incredible feeling.
“We’re good now, right?” she asked as she wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest.
“As far as I’m concerned, we’re better than good,” he replied.
She tipped her head up to him and stood on her tip toes to kiss him. She didn’t pull away, and he didn’t want to let her go. They had way too much time to make up for. Not just the three weeks they were apart this month, but for the past year when their relationship had to take a backseat. He was going to enjoy making up for all of that.
I took a long gulp of the Captain and Diet I had in my hand. It was only 2 in the afternoon, but it was a necessary drink. I glared across the living room at Sidney who was holding a Crown and Coke. We knew that there were still things that had to be said before we’d be completely fine, and we had already started. Happy Thanksgiving, Tanner. Or not.
“You mean to tell me that you didn’t think having Tamara over here that night would piss me off as much as it did?” I questioned. Sidney returned my glare.
“I knew it would piss you off. I wanted it to piss you off. I just didn’t foresee the rest of the shit that happened that night,” he replied evenly.
“Are you referring to cooking for her when you’ve never cooked for me, or for drinking my bottle of wine?”
“I sent her down to grab a bottle. What were the odds that she would grab that one? I never even looked to see what she’d brought up. I just let her open it and pour a couple of glasses. I had no idea which bottle it was until you yelled at me about it.”
“You couldn’t even be bothered to check?!”
“To be honest, I forgot it was out there with the rest. It never occurred to me that there was a chance she would have chosen that one.”
“Oh, I see. Anything that represents my winning fight over cancer isn’t meaningful.”
“You’re putting words in my mouth!”
“Then use different words!”
“Are you kidding me right now?”
“Does it look like I’m kidding?”
“It looks like you’re looking for someone else to blame this fight on, instead of placing any of it on yourself.”
“You can fuck off with that statement!”
“Prove me wrong.”
Sidney looked over at Tanner, curled up in his arms. She lifted her head to look into his eyes. He couldn’t help but smile down at her. She was back home and was his again. He’d never complain about that. She stretched her neck up so that her lips met his and he kissed her back. She tasted like Captain, but he couldn’t complain about that either. He probably tasted like Crown.
“I missed you this past month,” she told him. His smile grew.
“I missed you this past month, too.”
“I felt like my life was over without you in it.”
“I know exactly what you mean.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Did you see how long my hair has gotten?” He couldn’t stifle the laugh.
“I did notice, actually.”
“I still have to wear a wig, but it’s coming back.”
“I don’t mind the wigs.”
“It’s still too short to be sure, but I don’t think it’s going to come back curly. I don’t want it to come back curly. I’ve never had curly hair and I wouldn’t know what to do with it.”
“I think you’d look beautiful no matter what your hair looked like.”
“See, this is why I love you.”
“Because I’m attracted to you?”
“No. Because you always know the right things to say.”
He grinned down at her before placing a kiss on her forehead. He placed little kisses from her forehead down to the tip of her nose, and then to her lips. She let out a soft moan when he kissed her, and it prompted him to kiss her harder. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he rolled back on top of her. He’d never complain about going round two with her so quickly, either.
I chugged the last of my third Captain and Diet and stormed out of the living room. Sometimes Sidney could be a jackass. No, an asshole. I filled up my glass half and half. I realized they were getting stronger as I drank more. They were supposed to be making this easier, but now I wasn’t so sure that they were.
“I wasn’t done talking to you!” Sidney exclaimed, walking into the kitchen. He slammed his glass down on the counter, before filling his up as well.
“I don’t give a shit. I needed another drink.”
“Yeah, we wouldn’t want you sober when we discuss you treating me like a piece of shit for the past year.”
“I’ve already told you! I had health concerns that put forgiving you on the backburner!”
“It’s not even just that. I did so much for you, and you never appreciated any of it!”
“I hated that you did all of it!”
“Are you kidding me right now?”
“I told you from the start that I was independent and I didn’t like having people do things for me that I could do for myself.”
“You couldn’t do them for yourself!”
“Oh, I could have done them without you just fine. I didn’t need you or anyone else treating me like an invalid, which is what you did!”
“I never treated you like that! All I tried to do was make a difficult time in your life just a little bit easier!”
“Well you made it harder!”
“For fucks sake, Tanner, you weren’t even going to have the surgery and get the chemo if it wasn’t for me!”
“Look at you, Mr. Big Head. Don’t flatter yourself.”
“Hey, you’re the one that told me you were going through with it because of me. I didn’t force you to say that.”
“You are completely insufferable!”
“Are you British now?”
Sidney started to laugh. He couldn’t help it. Anyone who looked at what the two of them looked like currently would have laughed too. Sidney wrapped his arms around Tanner’s waist and rested his chin on the top of her head as they gazed into the mirror at each other. They both smiled and Sidney placed a kiss on the top of her head, right on the scar from her surgery, before spinning her around to face him.
“You never cease to amaze me,” he told her. She smiled up at him.
“And you never cease to amaze me,” she returned.
They were done now. There wasn’t going to be any more fighting. He couldn’t explain how he knew that. He just knew. He had nothing left to bring up and he was sure she didn’t either. Even the air felt lighter, cleaner.
Things were normal for the first time in a year. Nothing was hanging over their heads anymore. There were no lies, no untold secrets. Tanner was healthy and gaining back her strength every day. In just a few weeks she’d be a college graduate and beginning to live her dream of working with animals. It was an incredible feeling.
“We’re good now, right?” she asked as she wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest.
“As far as I’m concerned, we’re better than good,” he replied.
She tipped her head up to him and stood on her tip toes to kiss him. She didn’t pull away, and he didn’t want to let her go. They had way too much time to make up for. Not just the three weeks they were apart this month, but for the past year when their relationship had to take a backseat. He was going to enjoy making up for all of that.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Chapter 53
I sat with my arms crossed over my chest in a huff in Grace’s car. I’d been rudely woken up as the blankets had been torn off of me and I was pulled out of bed, landing with a thud to the floor. I’d looked up in surprise at the faces of my three now ex-friends. They’d harassed me until I’d showered and gotten dressed. Then I was literally dragged out the door and pushed into the car.
“Would you just stop?” Kelly asked from the front passenger seat. She received a glare from me in response.
“You’ll like where we’re taking you, I promise,” Lisa threw in from next to me. She received a glare as well.
“It’s time you got out of the apartment and did something besides go to class,” Grace added. That received an overdramatic sigh along with the glare.
“It’s been over three weeks, Tanner,” Hailey said through the speakerphone.
“I don’t care how fucking long it’s been since my boyfriend and I broke up. I just want to be left alone,” I hissed.
The four of them continued to talk at me for the rest of the trip, but I tuned them out. If this was some sort of intervention, they could forget about getting through to me. I wasn’t ready to pull myself out of my wallowing misery no matter what they said. I vaguely heard them making my Thanksgiving plans for me. Like I was going to do anything they suggested.
This was my Thanksgiving break from school and I was looking forward to being able to sleep in and stay in bed all day hating the world this week. Instead I was being dragged who the hell knew where and having my Thanksgiving planned out for me. If this was their way of trying to cheer me up, they were failing miserably.
“We’re here,” Kelly announced.
I didn’t care where the hell “here” was, but I looked out the window anyway. Okay, maybe this trip would help after all. If there was one place or one thing that could cheer me up even a fraction, it would be the zoo. I got out of the car with much less reluctance than I’d had getting in. Hailey called out a goodbye before Grace hung up the phone. I’d said goodbye in response, surprising myself with my less than scalding tone.
We walked through the gates and I didn’t hesitate at all. I knew where I wanted to go. My friends could do what they wanted, but I had a destination. As I walked to the polar bear exhibit I decided that I was just going to sit in one spot all day and watch them. If there was a cure for this kind of pain, the polar bears would be my only hope.
“I guess she knows where she wants to go,” I heard Lisa whisper.
I was vaguely aware of the three of them only footsteps behind me, but I didn’t respond. I felt my mood lift, just slightly as the exhibit came into view. Hell, I almost smiled. Then I froze in my tracks and that almost smile disappeared.
“What’s wrong with her?” Grace asked.
I didn’t hear if one of the other two responded. I was too distracted by the figure leaning over the rail, already watching the polar bears. My heart plunged and the tears welled up in my eyes immediately. I shook my head and closed my eyes, hoping that I was just seeing things. When I opened them back up, he was still there, only now he was standing straight up and looking right at me.
It had been exactly 24 days since Sidney and I had seen each other or spoken. They’d been the worst 24 days of my life. Each day I felt that tomorrow it’d be a little bit better, and 23 times I’d been let down when I’d woken up and still felt like I was dying. Now he was here, standing where I wanted to be standing and ruining the first moment where I hadn’t felt like the end of the world was around the corner.
“Is that-" Kelly didn’t finish the question and she didn’t require a response.
Sidney and I stood there staring at each other for what felt like an eternity. Neither of us moved or called out to the other. We just stood there surveying the other one. I felt someone’s hand on my arm and I heard a voice say something to me, but I was too caught up in my staring to know who it had been or what they had said. Then Sidney started to move towards me.
I took a quick, short breath of shock when I saw that he was moving and not just standing there. When he wasn’t moving, he seemed less like the ex that had broken my heart and more like a person I was simply having a strange reaction to. He took another few steps towards me and suddenly my brain signaled flight. I took a few steps back, nearly stumbled, and then turned.
“We have to go. Now,” I ordered. My friends didn’t respond, just followed me. I was walking as fast as I could, but Sidney must have started running, because before I knew it, he was in front of me.
“Can we talk?” he asked.
“Vocal chord wise, yes. With each other, no.” I took a step around him and continued to head for the exit.
“Wait!” he called out.
“Sidney, please. Don’t,” Lisa begged him.
“No. Enough is enough. I deserve to know what the hell happened.” I heard his response and I stopped walking. Now my brain was signaling fight. I spun around and walked right up to Sidney, stopping mere inches from him, with what I’m sure was a snarl on my face.
“You want to know what the hell happened? You lied to me, you didn’t trust me, you got petty and tried to get revenge on me, and you drank the one bottle of wine that was off limits, telling me that you didn’t give a shit about what I’d gone through with the cancer in the process. Got it?” I spat at him.
“No, that’s not good enough. That’s your side of the story. Maybe you could hear mine before you decide to throw us away,” he argued.
He wasn’t backing down like I thought he would and it only made me angrier. He should be apologizing, groveling at my feet. Instead he was challenging me. I narrowed my eyes at him and prepared for battle. If he wanted to have it out, we were going to have it out. I didn’t care where the hell we were or who was going to hear it.
“I don’t give a fuck about your side of the story. You couldn’t possibly say anything that would change how I feel. You ripped my heart out. As far as you and I are concerned, I’m done.” He didn’t say anything for a moment, and feeling victorious, I turned my back on him and began to walk away again.
“We’re not even close to done,” he called after me. I felt every muscle in my body tense up.
“Dammit, Sidney, stop!” Grace yelled.
“No! I’ve been coming here every day I’ve had time and standing outside of the polar bear exhibit just waiting for Tanner to show up because I knew she eventually would. Now I’m going to say what I have to say whether she likes it or not.” I turned back to him and launched my attack.
“You are arrogant, selfish, and a liar. Anything you say is either going to be about you or be a lie. It’s not worth it to stay here and listen because it’s going to be meaningless.” I turned my back on him once again and began to walk away, my friends right on my heels.
“And you are unappreciative, stubborn, and unforgiving!” he yelled.
My eyes widened in surprise as I stopped walking once again. He did not just say those things to me. I heard the girls gasp in shock at his statement as well. I wasn’t about to let him even try to blame what had happened to us on me. He continued to talk as I turned back to him.
“I fucked up a year ago, a fucking year ago, and I’m still paying for it! I sat by you and did everything I could to be there for you through your coma, your rehab, and the cancer. I hoped that maybe that would prove to you how much I love you and show you that I was sorry. You’re unappreciative of everything I’ve done for you and how much I’ve worried about you, too stubborn to listen to my side of things, and too unforgiving to see that I’ve been spending the better part of the last year trying to be perfect for you!”
His words stopped me in my tracks. I took them in and replayed them in my head over and over again. I could feel tears starting to spill down my cheeks as my anger faded. The pain and misery of the past 24 days was back, multiplied by a million. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Let’s just go,” Kelly whispered to me. I shook my head.
“No. Not yet.”
“Tanner,” Lisa pleaded. I pulled my arm out of Kelly’s grasp and looked back at Sidney.
“No. He’s right. On almost all of it, he’s right. I am unappreciative and stubborn.”
Sidney looked surprised at my admission. I could tell he’d been prepared for more fighting, but not for this. He wasn’t alone. I wasn’t prepared for the anger to be gone either. It was much easier to be angry than it was to be put in your place.
“You’re wrong about one thing though. I’m not unforgiving. I told you that I needed time to figure things out after I found out you lied to me, but I never got any. I was in an accident that put me into a coma. When I woke up I was just grateful to be alive and to have you there. Then it was rehab and trying to walk again. Then it was cancer. When all of that was finally over and normal life was back, I guess I realized that I hadn’t really thought about it and figured it out. It had just been put on the backburner because of health reasons. I’m sorry, Sid, it wasn’t fair to you, but I wasn’t unforgiving on purpose.”
The tears came harder now, and were streaming down my face. I was so emotionally exhausted from the past year as it was, and now adding in how awful I’d been to the person I loved most in life was killing me. It looked to me like all the fight had gone out of Sidney as well and he didn’t seem to know what to do. To be fair, neither did I.
“I’ve been so scared this past year. I thought I lost you in the accident and then with the cancer. I think every time I even so much as heard you sniffle I thought it was happening all over again. I was overprotective. Maybe I should have backed off a bit and given you the time.”
I felt like we were at a standstill. Everything was out there in the open. There was nothing left that was hidden. Now we just had to take what was there and find a way to sort it out. I just didn’t know what that meant. I wiped away some tears, only to have them replaced by more. I was sick of crying. No matter what happened, I needed to figure it out, so the crying could stop.
“So what now?” I asked him. He looked at me for a while, not responding. I waited to hear what he wanted.
“Now you come home,” he finally said.
For the first time in 24 days, I felt myself smile. It was small, but it was there. The crying didn’t quite stop, but this time I didn’t hate the tears that were coming. Sidney closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around me. I clung to him and buried my head in his shoulder until I finally did stop crying. I lifted my head to look up at him and he pressed his forehead to mine.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry, too,” he returned.
He kissed me and I felt things just melting away. I knew as I kissed him back that I’d completely forgiven him about lying to me a year ago. I also knew that while we may still have some things to talk about and work out, we were going to be okay. I was finally going to see what it was like to have a boyfriend I loved who loved me back, in a life that wasn’t full of chaos. I looked forward that more than I could describe.
“Would you just stop?” Kelly asked from the front passenger seat. She received a glare from me in response.
“You’ll like where we’re taking you, I promise,” Lisa threw in from next to me. She received a glare as well.
“It’s time you got out of the apartment and did something besides go to class,” Grace added. That received an overdramatic sigh along with the glare.
“It’s been over three weeks, Tanner,” Hailey said through the speakerphone.
“I don’t care how fucking long it’s been since my boyfriend and I broke up. I just want to be left alone,” I hissed.
The four of them continued to talk at me for the rest of the trip, but I tuned them out. If this was some sort of intervention, they could forget about getting through to me. I wasn’t ready to pull myself out of my wallowing misery no matter what they said. I vaguely heard them making my Thanksgiving plans for me. Like I was going to do anything they suggested.
This was my Thanksgiving break from school and I was looking forward to being able to sleep in and stay in bed all day hating the world this week. Instead I was being dragged who the hell knew where and having my Thanksgiving planned out for me. If this was their way of trying to cheer me up, they were failing miserably.
“We’re here,” Kelly announced.
I didn’t care where the hell “here” was, but I looked out the window anyway. Okay, maybe this trip would help after all. If there was one place or one thing that could cheer me up even a fraction, it would be the zoo. I got out of the car with much less reluctance than I’d had getting in. Hailey called out a goodbye before Grace hung up the phone. I’d said goodbye in response, surprising myself with my less than scalding tone.
We walked through the gates and I didn’t hesitate at all. I knew where I wanted to go. My friends could do what they wanted, but I had a destination. As I walked to the polar bear exhibit I decided that I was just going to sit in one spot all day and watch them. If there was a cure for this kind of pain, the polar bears would be my only hope.
“I guess she knows where she wants to go,” I heard Lisa whisper.
I was vaguely aware of the three of them only footsteps behind me, but I didn’t respond. I felt my mood lift, just slightly as the exhibit came into view. Hell, I almost smiled. Then I froze in my tracks and that almost smile disappeared.
“What’s wrong with her?” Grace asked.
I didn’t hear if one of the other two responded. I was too distracted by the figure leaning over the rail, already watching the polar bears. My heart plunged and the tears welled up in my eyes immediately. I shook my head and closed my eyes, hoping that I was just seeing things. When I opened them back up, he was still there, only now he was standing straight up and looking right at me.
It had been exactly 24 days since Sidney and I had seen each other or spoken. They’d been the worst 24 days of my life. Each day I felt that tomorrow it’d be a little bit better, and 23 times I’d been let down when I’d woken up and still felt like I was dying. Now he was here, standing where I wanted to be standing and ruining the first moment where I hadn’t felt like the end of the world was around the corner.
“Is that-" Kelly didn’t finish the question and she didn’t require a response.
Sidney and I stood there staring at each other for what felt like an eternity. Neither of us moved or called out to the other. We just stood there surveying the other one. I felt someone’s hand on my arm and I heard a voice say something to me, but I was too caught up in my staring to know who it had been or what they had said. Then Sidney started to move towards me.
I took a quick, short breath of shock when I saw that he was moving and not just standing there. When he wasn’t moving, he seemed less like the ex that had broken my heart and more like a person I was simply having a strange reaction to. He took another few steps towards me and suddenly my brain signaled flight. I took a few steps back, nearly stumbled, and then turned.
“We have to go. Now,” I ordered. My friends didn’t respond, just followed me. I was walking as fast as I could, but Sidney must have started running, because before I knew it, he was in front of me.
“Can we talk?” he asked.
“Vocal chord wise, yes. With each other, no.” I took a step around him and continued to head for the exit.
“Wait!” he called out.
“Sidney, please. Don’t,” Lisa begged him.
“No. Enough is enough. I deserve to know what the hell happened.” I heard his response and I stopped walking. Now my brain was signaling fight. I spun around and walked right up to Sidney, stopping mere inches from him, with what I’m sure was a snarl on my face.
“You want to know what the hell happened? You lied to me, you didn’t trust me, you got petty and tried to get revenge on me, and you drank the one bottle of wine that was off limits, telling me that you didn’t give a shit about what I’d gone through with the cancer in the process. Got it?” I spat at him.
“No, that’s not good enough. That’s your side of the story. Maybe you could hear mine before you decide to throw us away,” he argued.
He wasn’t backing down like I thought he would and it only made me angrier. He should be apologizing, groveling at my feet. Instead he was challenging me. I narrowed my eyes at him and prepared for battle. If he wanted to have it out, we were going to have it out. I didn’t care where the hell we were or who was going to hear it.
“I don’t give a fuck about your side of the story. You couldn’t possibly say anything that would change how I feel. You ripped my heart out. As far as you and I are concerned, I’m done.” He didn’t say anything for a moment, and feeling victorious, I turned my back on him and began to walk away again.
“We’re not even close to done,” he called after me. I felt every muscle in my body tense up.
“Dammit, Sidney, stop!” Grace yelled.
“No! I’ve been coming here every day I’ve had time and standing outside of the polar bear exhibit just waiting for Tanner to show up because I knew she eventually would. Now I’m going to say what I have to say whether she likes it or not.” I turned back to him and launched my attack.
“You are arrogant, selfish, and a liar. Anything you say is either going to be about you or be a lie. It’s not worth it to stay here and listen because it’s going to be meaningless.” I turned my back on him once again and began to walk away, my friends right on my heels.
“And you are unappreciative, stubborn, and unforgiving!” he yelled.
My eyes widened in surprise as I stopped walking once again. He did not just say those things to me. I heard the girls gasp in shock at his statement as well. I wasn’t about to let him even try to blame what had happened to us on me. He continued to talk as I turned back to him.
“I fucked up a year ago, a fucking year ago, and I’m still paying for it! I sat by you and did everything I could to be there for you through your coma, your rehab, and the cancer. I hoped that maybe that would prove to you how much I love you and show you that I was sorry. You’re unappreciative of everything I’ve done for you and how much I’ve worried about you, too stubborn to listen to my side of things, and too unforgiving to see that I’ve been spending the better part of the last year trying to be perfect for you!”
His words stopped me in my tracks. I took them in and replayed them in my head over and over again. I could feel tears starting to spill down my cheeks as my anger faded. The pain and misery of the past 24 days was back, multiplied by a million. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Let’s just go,” Kelly whispered to me. I shook my head.
“No. Not yet.”
“Tanner,” Lisa pleaded. I pulled my arm out of Kelly’s grasp and looked back at Sidney.
“No. He’s right. On almost all of it, he’s right. I am unappreciative and stubborn.”
Sidney looked surprised at my admission. I could tell he’d been prepared for more fighting, but not for this. He wasn’t alone. I wasn’t prepared for the anger to be gone either. It was much easier to be angry than it was to be put in your place.
“You’re wrong about one thing though. I’m not unforgiving. I told you that I needed time to figure things out after I found out you lied to me, but I never got any. I was in an accident that put me into a coma. When I woke up I was just grateful to be alive and to have you there. Then it was rehab and trying to walk again. Then it was cancer. When all of that was finally over and normal life was back, I guess I realized that I hadn’t really thought about it and figured it out. It had just been put on the backburner because of health reasons. I’m sorry, Sid, it wasn’t fair to you, but I wasn’t unforgiving on purpose.”
The tears came harder now, and were streaming down my face. I was so emotionally exhausted from the past year as it was, and now adding in how awful I’d been to the person I loved most in life was killing me. It looked to me like all the fight had gone out of Sidney as well and he didn’t seem to know what to do. To be fair, neither did I.
“I’ve been so scared this past year. I thought I lost you in the accident and then with the cancer. I think every time I even so much as heard you sniffle I thought it was happening all over again. I was overprotective. Maybe I should have backed off a bit and given you the time.”
I felt like we were at a standstill. Everything was out there in the open. There was nothing left that was hidden. Now we just had to take what was there and find a way to sort it out. I just didn’t know what that meant. I wiped away some tears, only to have them replaced by more. I was sick of crying. No matter what happened, I needed to figure it out, so the crying could stop.
“So what now?” I asked him. He looked at me for a while, not responding. I waited to hear what he wanted.
“Now you come home,” he finally said.
For the first time in 24 days, I felt myself smile. It was small, but it was there. The crying didn’t quite stop, but this time I didn’t hate the tears that were coming. Sidney closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around me. I clung to him and buried my head in his shoulder until I finally did stop crying. I lifted my head to look up at him and he pressed his forehead to mine.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry, too,” he returned.
He kissed me and I felt things just melting away. I knew as I kissed him back that I’d completely forgiven him about lying to me a year ago. I also knew that while we may still have some things to talk about and work out, we were going to be okay. I was finally going to see what it was like to have a boyfriend I loved who loved me back, in a life that wasn’t full of chaos. I looked forward that more than I could describe.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Chapter 52
I hope everyone has a Happy New Years! Sorry this chapter couldn't be a little more upbeat for the occasion, but you know how it goes. Have a safe and fun night tonight!
Sidney stared at the door long after Tanner walked out of it. What had happened? Two days ago everything between them was fine and now he felt like it had all fallen apart. He needed to figure out how and why. It was obvious what the last straw for Tanner had been, but how had it gotten to that point?
He struggled to think back on the last week, the last few weeks, to see if he could remember anything that would signal that things had been headed south, but nothing came to mind. Everything had been normal and then they’d snapped, but things didn’t just suddenly break down like that. Something had to have started to put stress on their relationship to cause tonight.
He turned and walked into the living room, collapsing down on the couch with his head in his hands. He wasn’t going to be able to handle this until he knew what had gone wrong. He started to work backwards through the events in the last day or two hoping to find the cause. It was the only way he could think to figure it out.
Tanner had left because of Tamara. He’d had Tamara over for dinner despite knowing how much Tanner didn’t like her. Hell, he didn’t even like her. Then he’d sent Tamara down to the wine cellar to get a bottle. He hadn’t looked at what she’d chosen when she opened it and poured a glass for each of them. He should have paid attention. He honestly hadn’t even noticed what bottle of wine it was until Tanner told him. For that he’d never forgive himself.
He’d invited Tamara over to get back at Tanner. It was petty, but he had been hurt. She hadn’t come to bed the night before, instead choosing to sleep in a guest room. They’d had arguments before, but they’d always gone to bed together. Then she hadn’t come down for breakfast like she always did and when he’d called home after practice she wasn’t there. He’d guessed and gone to the deli she frequented for lunch and saw her there smiling and laughing with another guy.
It wasn’t even the fact that she was having lunch with another guy that hurt. It was the look on her face that hurt him. He saw that sparkle in her eyes when she laughed that he felt he hadn’t seen in so long. He wasn’t sure when exactly he’d realized it had gone away, but he knew it wasn’t there. Yet when he saw them laughing together, he saw it again. And it was directed at someone that wasn’t him. It stung more than he’d like to admit.
Tanner hadn’t come to bed the night before because of their argument. He’d been angry about the game that night and when he’d gotten off the ice all he could think of was seeing Tanner smile at him and he knew it would all fade away. He’d walked into the family lounge only to have the girls tell him Tanner hadn’t shown up to the game. She hadn’t even called or texted him to tell him she wasn’t going to be there and no one else knew where she was, including Grace.
He wasn’t angry at her for not going, he was angry at her for not telling him or anyone else for that matter. If she’d told him earlier in the day that she was going to stay home and work on her paper he would have been fine with it. If she’d called and left a message for him to find on his phone after the game he would have been fine with it. Instead there had been nothing. Not a word from her about where she was.
For all he knew something had happened to her, and after the past year that she’d had, he was legitimately worried. He spent every day wondering if he was going to come home to bad news. Every time Tanner sneezed, coughed, even looked tired he had to fight the urge to drag her to the hospital to make sure everything was okay. When she hadn’t shown up to the game and hadn’t called anyone to tell them she wouldn’t be there he’d just about panicked.
Instead he’d gotten home to find her sitting at the desk in front of the computer. She hadn’t even come out to see him when he’d gotten home. It was also apparent that she hadn’t even checked in on the game. Did she care that little about what he did? She couldn’t take two seconds to either check the score for a final or walk out of the office and ask him about it?
They’d argued about her not being at the game, but he was pretty sure they both knew they weren’t really upset about that. Now that he’d thought back on it he knew why they’d argued. He was angry because she hadn’t shown any concern for what had gone on with him that night and for making him worry about her. She was apparently still angry at him for not telling her about who he was a year ago.
He was so tired. He’d spent the last year trying to be perfect for her. It was exhausting. He’d screwed up back then, he could admit that, but hadn’t she told him that she forgave him and she was past that? Didn’t that make her a liar too? He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t walk on egg shells around her because he was afraid she’d get mad. People screwed up. He would screw up. She was just going to have to accept that if she wanted to be with him. He didn’t expect her to be perfect so why should he have to be?
He got up and walked upstairs to go to bed. He walked into the bedroom and was met by pictures of the two of them smiling out at him. He turned around and walked out and headed into a guest room. He just couldn’t sleep in their bed until he knew they’d be okay. They had a lot of things to talk about, and it couldn’t come at a worse time. He was leaving tomorrow for a week long road trip.
He woke up the next morning when he heard a bang. He bolted upright in bed and listened for a moment. He heard another sound come from their bedroom. Tanner was home. Sidney jumped out of bed and rushed into the room, eager to get things talked out. He froze just inside the doorway when he saw Lisa and Kelly dragging suitcases out of the closet.
“What are you doing?” he asked. They both jumped at the sound of his voice and then turned to look at him. Boy, if looks could kill.
“Getting more of Tanner’s stuff,” Lisa said coldly.
“What do you mean? Why?” he questioned, a knot forming in his stomach.
“Are you that fucking dumb?” Kelly shot at him. Lisa elbowed her in the ribs and gave her a small shake of her head. Then she turned her attention back to Sidney.
“Tanner asked us to get some things,” Lisa told him. For the first time, Sidney noticed that there were other bags packed and sitting near the door where he was standing. A lot of bags.
“Why would she need all of this?” He could hear the shake in his own voice. He also felt like he knew the answer, but he didn’t like it. He was hoping that there was some other excuse. He looked between Lisa and Kelly who were avoiding his gaze and chewing on their lips nervously.
“We thought you’d be at practice already,” Kelly said quietly, refusing to answer him.
“We’re not practicing this morning because we’re flying to Anaheim. Just answer me.”
“Maybe you should just talk to Tanner later,” Lisa suggested.
“Tell me!” he shouted in a small panic.
“She told us she was moving into Grace’s guest room for a while,” Kelly said, her eyes on the floor.
He felt like he’d been punched. Tanner was moving out? It had been his fear and they’d just confirmed it. This couldn’t be happening, could it? They hadn’t even talked, figured things out, so how could she just be moving out? Was it because of the wine, the argument, or the fact that he’d lied to her a year ago? He had to know what it was.
“I’m going over there,” he said more to himself than to the two girls standing in front of him looking more than uncomfortable.
“No! You can’t,” Lisa told him.
“Why not?” he demanded.
“She’s not there right now. She went into school early to study for her exam this afternoon,” Kelly explained.
Sidney felt his stomach lurch. Tanner never studied in the same place. Sometimes she’d go to the library, sometimes one of the many computer labs. Other times she’d pick an empty classroom, whichever felt more comfortable for her at the time. He’d never find her. He left the girls standing in the bedroom and rushed to get his phone from the guest room he’d slept in.
“Tanner, it’s Sidney. We really need to talk. Please. I don’t want to leave today for the week without talking to you. Call me back. Please,” he begged into the phone when her voicemail picked up.
He sat back in the kitchen as Lisa and Kelly carted most of Tanner’s things out of the house. He held his phone the entire morning waiting for Tanner to call him back. As the hours passed he felt more and more afraid that she wasn’t going to. Eventually he ran out of time and had to hurriedly pack and get to the airport to make the flight. He boarded the plane with just one thought running through his head. Were he and Tanner over?
I hit the ignore button on my phone as I sat in a quiet corner of one of the dining halls on campus when I saw Sidney’s number pop up on the screen. I waited until I heard the alert telling me that I had a voicemail and then picked it up. I listened to Sidney’s message as my hand shook. Then I deleted the message, put my phone back down, and went back to studying.
I bypassed the breakfast I had sitting in front of me when I took a bite of my bagel and realized I just wasn’t hungry at all. I pushed the tray away from me and tried to focus on the notes I’d made the night before. Now that I was looking over them, they didn’t make a ton of sense to me.
I shouldn’t have made them last night when I was so upset. They were a jumbled mess of words that didn’t resemble the English language to me right now. I put them away and pulled out the notes from class and the textbook. They were my only hope for my exam now.
I stayed in the dining hall until my back started to hurt from leaning over the table. I still had another hour until class so I made my way into a lounge in the building where my class was. I found it empty and sprawled out on the couch in it. I continued to scan my materials, but I felt like I was retaining nothing.
Finally it was time to head to class and take the exam. I struggled my way through the entire thing, cursing Sidney the whole time. If it hadn’t been for him, I would have been able to focus and probably ace this exam. Instead I knew I was going to have to settle for a B, if I was lucky.
I wasn’t at all in the mood for my second class that day, so I put my finished 15 page paper in the professor’s mailbox and headed to my car. I drove to Grace’s apartment and fished out the keys she’d given me so that I could get in while she was at work. When I walked into the guest room I saw bags of my stuff sitting on the floor along the wall. Lisa and Kelly must have grabbed everything like I’d asked.
I felt like my heart was ripping in half as I looked at them sitting there and I had to turn and walk out into the living room. I dug out a syllabus from one of my classes and checked what was due soon. By the time Grace was home from work I was a week ahead in that class and working on getting ahead in a second one.
She didn’t say anything to me past asking what I wanted for dinner and I was grateful. I didn’t want to talk about Sidney. I wasn’t ready to talk about him. I thought about his message earlier for probably the millionth time that day and fought back the tears that threatened. Who was he to say when we talked? We’d talk when or if I was ever ready. I was the one who'd been hurt.
Grace disappeared for a while until the dinner she’d ordered showed up at the door. I wasn’t sure what she’d been doing and I didn’t ask. I wasn’t up for much conversation. When we finished eating I went back to getting ahead in my classes and Grace disappeared again. I figured she knew I wasn’t good company right now and was giving me space.
The clock hit midnight and I closed my books. I’d been going on schoolwork nonstop since Friday afternoon when I’d found out about the exam today. My head thundered with a headache, probably from tension and I rubbed my eyes a few times to try to readjust them before I got up from the couch and headed to the guest room.
I walked in and saw in surprise that there weren’t any bags sitting on the floor any longer. I opened the closet door and saw that my clothes were all hanging neatly and my shoes were organized the way I liked them. I opened the dresser drawers and found more clothes folded and put away. That was what Grace had been doing all night.
I changed and got ready for bed before pulling the covers over my head. That’s when things hit me. The anger and grief struck me all at once. I’d been doing work all day and keeping myself distracted just to ward off these impending feelings. Now that I didn’t have anything to do they’d invaded my mind.
I was in Grace’s apartment instead of my own home sleeping in bed alone instead of next to Sidney. I thought about the sight of all of my clothes hanging in a strange closet and folded in a strange dresser. I clutched at the pillows and the blankets as I curled up into a tight ball and let the sobs tear through my body. I’d never thought it was possible to feel this much pain.
Sidney stared at the door long after Tanner walked out of it. What had happened? Two days ago everything between them was fine and now he felt like it had all fallen apart. He needed to figure out how and why. It was obvious what the last straw for Tanner had been, but how had it gotten to that point?
He struggled to think back on the last week, the last few weeks, to see if he could remember anything that would signal that things had been headed south, but nothing came to mind. Everything had been normal and then they’d snapped, but things didn’t just suddenly break down like that. Something had to have started to put stress on their relationship to cause tonight.
He turned and walked into the living room, collapsing down on the couch with his head in his hands. He wasn’t going to be able to handle this until he knew what had gone wrong. He started to work backwards through the events in the last day or two hoping to find the cause. It was the only way he could think to figure it out.
Tanner had left because of Tamara. He’d had Tamara over for dinner despite knowing how much Tanner didn’t like her. Hell, he didn’t even like her. Then he’d sent Tamara down to the wine cellar to get a bottle. He hadn’t looked at what she’d chosen when she opened it and poured a glass for each of them. He should have paid attention. He honestly hadn’t even noticed what bottle of wine it was until Tanner told him. For that he’d never forgive himself.
He’d invited Tamara over to get back at Tanner. It was petty, but he had been hurt. She hadn’t come to bed the night before, instead choosing to sleep in a guest room. They’d had arguments before, but they’d always gone to bed together. Then she hadn’t come down for breakfast like she always did and when he’d called home after practice she wasn’t there. He’d guessed and gone to the deli she frequented for lunch and saw her there smiling and laughing with another guy.
It wasn’t even the fact that she was having lunch with another guy that hurt. It was the look on her face that hurt him. He saw that sparkle in her eyes when she laughed that he felt he hadn’t seen in so long. He wasn’t sure when exactly he’d realized it had gone away, but he knew it wasn’t there. Yet when he saw them laughing together, he saw it again. And it was directed at someone that wasn’t him. It stung more than he’d like to admit.
Tanner hadn’t come to bed the night before because of their argument. He’d been angry about the game that night and when he’d gotten off the ice all he could think of was seeing Tanner smile at him and he knew it would all fade away. He’d walked into the family lounge only to have the girls tell him Tanner hadn’t shown up to the game. She hadn’t even called or texted him to tell him she wasn’t going to be there and no one else knew where she was, including Grace.
He wasn’t angry at her for not going, he was angry at her for not telling him or anyone else for that matter. If she’d told him earlier in the day that she was going to stay home and work on her paper he would have been fine with it. If she’d called and left a message for him to find on his phone after the game he would have been fine with it. Instead there had been nothing. Not a word from her about where she was.
For all he knew something had happened to her, and after the past year that she’d had, he was legitimately worried. He spent every day wondering if he was going to come home to bad news. Every time Tanner sneezed, coughed, even looked tired he had to fight the urge to drag her to the hospital to make sure everything was okay. When she hadn’t shown up to the game and hadn’t called anyone to tell them she wouldn’t be there he’d just about panicked.
Instead he’d gotten home to find her sitting at the desk in front of the computer. She hadn’t even come out to see him when he’d gotten home. It was also apparent that she hadn’t even checked in on the game. Did she care that little about what he did? She couldn’t take two seconds to either check the score for a final or walk out of the office and ask him about it?
They’d argued about her not being at the game, but he was pretty sure they both knew they weren’t really upset about that. Now that he’d thought back on it he knew why they’d argued. He was angry because she hadn’t shown any concern for what had gone on with him that night and for making him worry about her. She was apparently still angry at him for not telling her about who he was a year ago.
He was so tired. He’d spent the last year trying to be perfect for her. It was exhausting. He’d screwed up back then, he could admit that, but hadn’t she told him that she forgave him and she was past that? Didn’t that make her a liar too? He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t walk on egg shells around her because he was afraid she’d get mad. People screwed up. He would screw up. She was just going to have to accept that if she wanted to be with him. He didn’t expect her to be perfect so why should he have to be?
He got up and walked upstairs to go to bed. He walked into the bedroom and was met by pictures of the two of them smiling out at him. He turned around and walked out and headed into a guest room. He just couldn’t sleep in their bed until he knew they’d be okay. They had a lot of things to talk about, and it couldn’t come at a worse time. He was leaving tomorrow for a week long road trip.
He woke up the next morning when he heard a bang. He bolted upright in bed and listened for a moment. He heard another sound come from their bedroom. Tanner was home. Sidney jumped out of bed and rushed into the room, eager to get things talked out. He froze just inside the doorway when he saw Lisa and Kelly dragging suitcases out of the closet.
“What are you doing?” he asked. They both jumped at the sound of his voice and then turned to look at him. Boy, if looks could kill.
“Getting more of Tanner’s stuff,” Lisa said coldly.
“What do you mean? Why?” he questioned, a knot forming in his stomach.
“Are you that fucking dumb?” Kelly shot at him. Lisa elbowed her in the ribs and gave her a small shake of her head. Then she turned her attention back to Sidney.
“Tanner asked us to get some things,” Lisa told him. For the first time, Sidney noticed that there were other bags packed and sitting near the door where he was standing. A lot of bags.
“Why would she need all of this?” He could hear the shake in his own voice. He also felt like he knew the answer, but he didn’t like it. He was hoping that there was some other excuse. He looked between Lisa and Kelly who were avoiding his gaze and chewing on their lips nervously.
“We thought you’d be at practice already,” Kelly said quietly, refusing to answer him.
“We’re not practicing this morning because we’re flying to Anaheim. Just answer me.”
“Maybe you should just talk to Tanner later,” Lisa suggested.
“Tell me!” he shouted in a small panic.
“She told us she was moving into Grace’s guest room for a while,” Kelly said, her eyes on the floor.
He felt like he’d been punched. Tanner was moving out? It had been his fear and they’d just confirmed it. This couldn’t be happening, could it? They hadn’t even talked, figured things out, so how could she just be moving out? Was it because of the wine, the argument, or the fact that he’d lied to her a year ago? He had to know what it was.
“I’m going over there,” he said more to himself than to the two girls standing in front of him looking more than uncomfortable.
“No! You can’t,” Lisa told him.
“Why not?” he demanded.
“She’s not there right now. She went into school early to study for her exam this afternoon,” Kelly explained.
Sidney felt his stomach lurch. Tanner never studied in the same place. Sometimes she’d go to the library, sometimes one of the many computer labs. Other times she’d pick an empty classroom, whichever felt more comfortable for her at the time. He’d never find her. He left the girls standing in the bedroom and rushed to get his phone from the guest room he’d slept in.
“Tanner, it’s Sidney. We really need to talk. Please. I don’t want to leave today for the week without talking to you. Call me back. Please,” he begged into the phone when her voicemail picked up.
He sat back in the kitchen as Lisa and Kelly carted most of Tanner’s things out of the house. He held his phone the entire morning waiting for Tanner to call him back. As the hours passed he felt more and more afraid that she wasn’t going to. Eventually he ran out of time and had to hurriedly pack and get to the airport to make the flight. He boarded the plane with just one thought running through his head. Were he and Tanner over?
I hit the ignore button on my phone as I sat in a quiet corner of one of the dining halls on campus when I saw Sidney’s number pop up on the screen. I waited until I heard the alert telling me that I had a voicemail and then picked it up. I listened to Sidney’s message as my hand shook. Then I deleted the message, put my phone back down, and went back to studying.
I bypassed the breakfast I had sitting in front of me when I took a bite of my bagel and realized I just wasn’t hungry at all. I pushed the tray away from me and tried to focus on the notes I’d made the night before. Now that I was looking over them, they didn’t make a ton of sense to me.
I shouldn’t have made them last night when I was so upset. They were a jumbled mess of words that didn’t resemble the English language to me right now. I put them away and pulled out the notes from class and the textbook. They were my only hope for my exam now.
I stayed in the dining hall until my back started to hurt from leaning over the table. I still had another hour until class so I made my way into a lounge in the building where my class was. I found it empty and sprawled out on the couch in it. I continued to scan my materials, but I felt like I was retaining nothing.
Finally it was time to head to class and take the exam. I struggled my way through the entire thing, cursing Sidney the whole time. If it hadn’t been for him, I would have been able to focus and probably ace this exam. Instead I knew I was going to have to settle for a B, if I was lucky.
I wasn’t at all in the mood for my second class that day, so I put my finished 15 page paper in the professor’s mailbox and headed to my car. I drove to Grace’s apartment and fished out the keys she’d given me so that I could get in while she was at work. When I walked into the guest room I saw bags of my stuff sitting on the floor along the wall. Lisa and Kelly must have grabbed everything like I’d asked.
I felt like my heart was ripping in half as I looked at them sitting there and I had to turn and walk out into the living room. I dug out a syllabus from one of my classes and checked what was due soon. By the time Grace was home from work I was a week ahead in that class and working on getting ahead in a second one.
She didn’t say anything to me past asking what I wanted for dinner and I was grateful. I didn’t want to talk about Sidney. I wasn’t ready to talk about him. I thought about his message earlier for probably the millionth time that day and fought back the tears that threatened. Who was he to say when we talked? We’d talk when or if I was ever ready. I was the one who'd been hurt.
Grace disappeared for a while until the dinner she’d ordered showed up at the door. I wasn’t sure what she’d been doing and I didn’t ask. I wasn’t up for much conversation. When we finished eating I went back to getting ahead in my classes and Grace disappeared again. I figured she knew I wasn’t good company right now and was giving me space.
The clock hit midnight and I closed my books. I’d been going on schoolwork nonstop since Friday afternoon when I’d found out about the exam today. My head thundered with a headache, probably from tension and I rubbed my eyes a few times to try to readjust them before I got up from the couch and headed to the guest room.
I walked in and saw in surprise that there weren’t any bags sitting on the floor any longer. I opened the closet door and saw that my clothes were all hanging neatly and my shoes were organized the way I liked them. I opened the dresser drawers and found more clothes folded and put away. That was what Grace had been doing all night.
I changed and got ready for bed before pulling the covers over my head. That’s when things hit me. The anger and grief struck me all at once. I’d been doing work all day and keeping myself distracted just to ward off these impending feelings. Now that I didn’t have anything to do they’d invaded my mind.
I was in Grace’s apartment instead of my own home sleeping in bed alone instead of next to Sidney. I thought about the sight of all of my clothes hanging in a strange closet and folded in a strange dresser. I clutched at the pillows and the blankets as I curled up into a tight ball and let the sobs tear through my body. I’d never thought it was possible to feel this much pain.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Chapter 51
So I'm changing the very end of last chapter. Nothing big, but I'm going to make it so that it ends right after the fight on Saturday night and this chapter picks up on Sunday morning. It doesn't change the outcome of anything, but fits better into the Pens actual schedule. Just wanted to give a heads up!
I woke up and it took me a minute to realize I was sleeping in one of the extra bedrooms. I turned off the alarm and got out of bed. I quietly made my way towards our bedroom, not sure if Sidney was awake yet. I peered into the open room and saw that the bed was made and he wasn’t in there.
It was exactly what I was counting on. I'd hoped that I wouldn't get up until he had already left for practice. I got dressed and made my way downstairs where I made myself a small breakfast. Then I packed up my things and got into my car. I drove to the library on campus where I bunkered in for the day.
Maybe I was running away from Sidney right now, but I had other things to take care of. Things between Sidney and I could wait until I'd finished my paper and taken this test. That may mean that we'd have to spend another day not speaking, but with the stress I was under from school, today would not be a good day for us to talk. I didn't want to say something I'd regret. Later on I walked into the deli where I usually grabbed lunch. I'd finished my paper, and needed a break before studying.
“Hey, don’t we have class together? Tanner, right?” an attractive guy said to me, smiling down from where he was standing. I smiled and nodded, recognizing him.
“Yeah, we do.”
“I’m Keagan,” he introduced himself, shaking my hand. “Mind if I join you?”
“No, go right ahead.”
“So was it just me, or was class really boring Friday?” Keagan asked.
“Just Friday?” I joked. He laughed.
“Yeah, you’re right. Damn electives. So what are you majoring in?”
“Animal Science major. How about you?”
“Math.” I scrunched up my nose at him.
“You must be really smart.”
“I never know how to respond when people say that. Sure, I’m good with numbers, but I don’t know five languages and I can’t cure any kind of disease.”
“I see what you mean.”
“So, I just want you to know right off the bat that I’m not trying to hit on you or anything. I know that you have a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend. Blunt, I know, but I didn’t want to be creeping you out or anything.” I laughed.
“Don’t worry, I appreciate bluntness. What’s her name?” I asked.
“Oakley. We met in class. She’s a fellow numbers geek.”
“Aw, meant to be?” I joked. I heard footsteps approach and looked up to see Sidney standing in front of us at the table. He was glaring down at Keagan.
“Am I interrupting something?” he asked, angrily. I let out a sigh.
“Keagan and I have class together. He saw me sitting here alone and wanted to keep me company.”
“How nice,” Sidney spat angrily.
“I’m going to get home. I’ll see you in class, Tanner,” Keagan said standing up. Sidney glared at him as he walked out.
“We got in a fight so you pick up the first cute guy you see?” I got up from the table and threw my sandwich away.
“Get over yourself. He has a girlfriend. He’s not remotely interested. And I’m not interested in being around you right now. I’m going to stay on campus and do some work and then I’m having dinner with Grace. I’ll see you whenever I get home tonight.” I turned my back on Sidney and stalked out of the deli. That conversation could wait until I’d calmed down.
I could hardly study. I was too upset with Sidney. Who did he think he was? He was so rude to Keagan for no reason and he was treating me like shit. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t feel any better as I struggled to try to get some studying done at the library. I finally gave up and went to Grace’s early.
I told her all about the fight Sidney and I had and then about his attitude today. She offered to let me stay there for the night if I needed to cool down, but I declined. Sidney and I needed to have it out now or it was only going to fester and get worse. I wasn’t looking forward to getting home, but it had to happen.
I pulled into the driveway and took a deep breath before getting out of the car. I’d thought about everything I wanted to say to Sidney when I’d gotten home the entire car ride back, but now that I was home I’d forgotten it all. I walked into the house and smelled food in the kitchen, which was weird because if I wasn’t home for dinner, he usually had some sort of take-out. Then I heard a woman’s laugh.
I walked down the hall to the kitchen and froze in the doorway. Sidney was on one side of the island leaning on it with a glass of red wine in front of him. Tamara was leaning on the island from the other side with her boobs practically falling out of her shirt right in his face. I spotted the dishes and saw that someone had been cooking. There were also plates in front of both of them. He’d had her over for dinner.
“Oh, hi, Tanner,” Tamara said sounding disappointed. I looked back and forth between the two of them, anger boiling up in me.
“What’s going on?” I asked. Sidney gave me a smile completely devoid of humor and full of “I can do it too.”
“I felt like cooking and since you weren’t going to be home I invited Tamara over so it wouldn’t go to waste.”
That stung. Sidney had not once ever cooked for me. On the rare occasion he’d been in charge of dinner he’d always had something made by someone else. Now he’d cooked for her. Then I spotted the wine they were drinking. There sitting empty on the counter was the bottle of Pinot Noir that the girls had gotten me to celebrate the end of my chemo treatments. The same bottle I never wanted to open so that I’d have it as a reminder.
“You need to leave,” I said turning to Tamara.
“Excuse me?” she asked, glaring at me. “I was invited.”
“Now you’re uninvited. Get the hell out of my house.” I wasn’t sure I’d ever spoken to anyone in that tone before, but Tamara got the point. She walked out of the kitchen and out of the house a second later.
“What the hell?”
“Are you serious right now?!” I yelled at Sidney, cutting him off.
“I don’t know what the fuck you’re so upset about. I invited the neighbor over for dinner. What’s the big deal?” He had a look of anger mixed with a smugness that I wanted to smack off of him.
“You’re unbelievable.”
I turned and stormed out of the kitchen and headed straight for the stairs. I went right into the bedroom and grabbed a gym bag and began to throw clothes into it. I couldn’t be here with him tonight. Not after what he’d just done.
“Going somewhere?” he asked, coming up behind me.
“To Grace’s. I don’t know when I’ll be back.” I didn’t even bother looking at him as I said it. I just continued to pack whatever I could grab.
“You’re leaving because I had Tamara over? Fuck, Tanner, you’re being immature. You had lunch with that asshole earlier and it was okay for you, but I can’t have a meal with a girl without you flipping out?” I spun around on him.
“Don’t even compare the two! They’re so different and I don’t even know how you can’t see that!”
“How is it different, Tanner? How is what you did better than what I did?”
“Oh, so you did this to get back at me? Who’s immature now, Sidney? I feel like I should just be waiting to hear you say ‘I know you are but what am I?’” I spat at him.
“What the fuck do you want from me?!” he yelled.
“An apology, even though that’s not even close to good enough right now,” I told him.
“I have nothing to apologize for. You went behind my back and had lunch with another guy!”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare accuse me of anything, Sidney. Keagan is a classmate who saw I was eating alone and decided to sit down and join me. It wasn’t planned. And if you really want to get into it, why don’t I bring up the how many thousands of girls that would die to have you just for one night? The same girls that I’ve never even once said a word about, not even after I had to witness one kiss you! She fucking kissed you, Sidney and I didn’t say anything to you about it because I trust you! Apparently you can’t give me the same trust when the only thing I’ve ever done was share a table with a male at lunch.”
“And I shared a table with a female at dinner.”
“No, you didn’t. You know that she has a thing for you. You know that she’d do anything to take you from me. And you cooked for her! When was the last time you cooked for me?” He didn’t respond. “That’s right, you have nothing to say because you never have. Even when I had cancer and was going through chemo you never cooked for me, but you had no problem cooking for that gold digging whore! And that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that you drank my wine. You drank my fucking wine, Sidney!”
“It was just a fucking bottle of wine!”
I felt the stinging on my hand before I even realized I’d slapped Sidney across the face. He looked at me in complete shock, covering his cheek with his hand. Even so, I found that I didn’t feel bad about it. I only wished I could do it again.
“That wasn’t just a fucking bottle of wine. That bottle was given to me by the girls when I finished chemo. That bottle symbolized the six months of hell I had to go through to save my life. I had a piece of my skull removed, a tumor taken out of my brain, and I went through chemo, getting sick almost every day for six months. That bottle was supposed to remind me that I’d gone through hell and I’d survived. You knew how much it meant to me and you let her drink it and you drank it with her. You obviously don’t care about what matters to me. I can’t even look at you right now.”
I zipped up the gym bag and picked it up. I could feel tears building, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I shoved past him and made my way downstairs. I heard him chasing after me, but I didn’t care. I grabbed my car keys, the ones for my old car, and headed for the door when I felt his hand close on my arm.
“Tanner, wait.”
“Get your fucking hands off of me.” I ripped my arm out of his grasp and walked out the front door, leaving him standing in the foyer.
I woke up and it took me a minute to realize I was sleeping in one of the extra bedrooms. I turned off the alarm and got out of bed. I quietly made my way towards our bedroom, not sure if Sidney was awake yet. I peered into the open room and saw that the bed was made and he wasn’t in there.
It was exactly what I was counting on. I'd hoped that I wouldn't get up until he had already left for practice. I got dressed and made my way downstairs where I made myself a small breakfast. Then I packed up my things and got into my car. I drove to the library on campus where I bunkered in for the day.
Maybe I was running away from Sidney right now, but I had other things to take care of. Things between Sidney and I could wait until I'd finished my paper and taken this test. That may mean that we'd have to spend another day not speaking, but with the stress I was under from school, today would not be a good day for us to talk. I didn't want to say something I'd regret. Later on I walked into the deli where I usually grabbed lunch. I'd finished my paper, and needed a break before studying.
“Hey, don’t we have class together? Tanner, right?” an attractive guy said to me, smiling down from where he was standing. I smiled and nodded, recognizing him.
“Yeah, we do.”
“I’m Keagan,” he introduced himself, shaking my hand. “Mind if I join you?”
“No, go right ahead.”
“So was it just me, or was class really boring Friday?” Keagan asked.
“Just Friday?” I joked. He laughed.
“Yeah, you’re right. Damn electives. So what are you majoring in?”
“Animal Science major. How about you?”
“Math.” I scrunched up my nose at him.
“You must be really smart.”
“I never know how to respond when people say that. Sure, I’m good with numbers, but I don’t know five languages and I can’t cure any kind of disease.”
“I see what you mean.”
“So, I just want you to know right off the bat that I’m not trying to hit on you or anything. I know that you have a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend. Blunt, I know, but I didn’t want to be creeping you out or anything.” I laughed.
“Don’t worry, I appreciate bluntness. What’s her name?” I asked.
“Oakley. We met in class. She’s a fellow numbers geek.”
“Aw, meant to be?” I joked. I heard footsteps approach and looked up to see Sidney standing in front of us at the table. He was glaring down at Keagan.
“Am I interrupting something?” he asked, angrily. I let out a sigh.
“Keagan and I have class together. He saw me sitting here alone and wanted to keep me company.”
“How nice,” Sidney spat angrily.
“I’m going to get home. I’ll see you in class, Tanner,” Keagan said standing up. Sidney glared at him as he walked out.
“We got in a fight so you pick up the first cute guy you see?” I got up from the table and threw my sandwich away.
“Get over yourself. He has a girlfriend. He’s not remotely interested. And I’m not interested in being around you right now. I’m going to stay on campus and do some work and then I’m having dinner with Grace. I’ll see you whenever I get home tonight.” I turned my back on Sidney and stalked out of the deli. That conversation could wait until I’d calmed down.
I could hardly study. I was too upset with Sidney. Who did he think he was? He was so rude to Keagan for no reason and he was treating me like shit. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t feel any better as I struggled to try to get some studying done at the library. I finally gave up and went to Grace’s early.
I told her all about the fight Sidney and I had and then about his attitude today. She offered to let me stay there for the night if I needed to cool down, but I declined. Sidney and I needed to have it out now or it was only going to fester and get worse. I wasn’t looking forward to getting home, but it had to happen.
I pulled into the driveway and took a deep breath before getting out of the car. I’d thought about everything I wanted to say to Sidney when I’d gotten home the entire car ride back, but now that I was home I’d forgotten it all. I walked into the house and smelled food in the kitchen, which was weird because if I wasn’t home for dinner, he usually had some sort of take-out. Then I heard a woman’s laugh.
I walked down the hall to the kitchen and froze in the doorway. Sidney was on one side of the island leaning on it with a glass of red wine in front of him. Tamara was leaning on the island from the other side with her boobs practically falling out of her shirt right in his face. I spotted the dishes and saw that someone had been cooking. There were also plates in front of both of them. He’d had her over for dinner.
“Oh, hi, Tanner,” Tamara said sounding disappointed. I looked back and forth between the two of them, anger boiling up in me.
“What’s going on?” I asked. Sidney gave me a smile completely devoid of humor and full of “I can do it too.”
“I felt like cooking and since you weren’t going to be home I invited Tamara over so it wouldn’t go to waste.”
That stung. Sidney had not once ever cooked for me. On the rare occasion he’d been in charge of dinner he’d always had something made by someone else. Now he’d cooked for her. Then I spotted the wine they were drinking. There sitting empty on the counter was the bottle of Pinot Noir that the girls had gotten me to celebrate the end of my chemo treatments. The same bottle I never wanted to open so that I’d have it as a reminder.
“You need to leave,” I said turning to Tamara.
“Excuse me?” she asked, glaring at me. “I was invited.”
“Now you’re uninvited. Get the hell out of my house.” I wasn’t sure I’d ever spoken to anyone in that tone before, but Tamara got the point. She walked out of the kitchen and out of the house a second later.
“What the hell?”
“Are you serious right now?!” I yelled at Sidney, cutting him off.
“I don’t know what the fuck you’re so upset about. I invited the neighbor over for dinner. What’s the big deal?” He had a look of anger mixed with a smugness that I wanted to smack off of him.
“You’re unbelievable.”
I turned and stormed out of the kitchen and headed straight for the stairs. I went right into the bedroom and grabbed a gym bag and began to throw clothes into it. I couldn’t be here with him tonight. Not after what he’d just done.
“Going somewhere?” he asked, coming up behind me.
“To Grace’s. I don’t know when I’ll be back.” I didn’t even bother looking at him as I said it. I just continued to pack whatever I could grab.
“You’re leaving because I had Tamara over? Fuck, Tanner, you’re being immature. You had lunch with that asshole earlier and it was okay for you, but I can’t have a meal with a girl without you flipping out?” I spun around on him.
“Don’t even compare the two! They’re so different and I don’t even know how you can’t see that!”
“How is it different, Tanner? How is what you did better than what I did?”
“Oh, so you did this to get back at me? Who’s immature now, Sidney? I feel like I should just be waiting to hear you say ‘I know you are but what am I?’” I spat at him.
“What the fuck do you want from me?!” he yelled.
“An apology, even though that’s not even close to good enough right now,” I told him.
“I have nothing to apologize for. You went behind my back and had lunch with another guy!”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare accuse me of anything, Sidney. Keagan is a classmate who saw I was eating alone and decided to sit down and join me. It wasn’t planned. And if you really want to get into it, why don’t I bring up the how many thousands of girls that would die to have you just for one night? The same girls that I’ve never even once said a word about, not even after I had to witness one kiss you! She fucking kissed you, Sidney and I didn’t say anything to you about it because I trust you! Apparently you can’t give me the same trust when the only thing I’ve ever done was share a table with a male at lunch.”
“And I shared a table with a female at dinner.”
“No, you didn’t. You know that she has a thing for you. You know that she’d do anything to take you from me. And you cooked for her! When was the last time you cooked for me?” He didn’t respond. “That’s right, you have nothing to say because you never have. Even when I had cancer and was going through chemo you never cooked for me, but you had no problem cooking for that gold digging whore! And that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that you drank my wine. You drank my fucking wine, Sidney!”
“It was just a fucking bottle of wine!”
I felt the stinging on my hand before I even realized I’d slapped Sidney across the face. He looked at me in complete shock, covering his cheek with his hand. Even so, I found that I didn’t feel bad about it. I only wished I could do it again.
“That wasn’t just a fucking bottle of wine. That bottle was given to me by the girls when I finished chemo. That bottle symbolized the six months of hell I had to go through to save my life. I had a piece of my skull removed, a tumor taken out of my brain, and I went through chemo, getting sick almost every day for six months. That bottle was supposed to remind me that I’d gone through hell and I’d survived. You knew how much it meant to me and you let her drink it and you drank it with her. You obviously don’t care about what matters to me. I can’t even look at you right now.”
I zipped up the gym bag and picked it up. I could feel tears building, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I shoved past him and made my way downstairs. I heard him chasing after me, but I didn’t care. I grabbed my car keys, the ones for my old car, and headed for the door when I felt his hand close on my arm.
“Tanner, wait.”
“Get your fucking hands off of me.” I ripped my arm out of his grasp and walked out the front door, leaving him standing in the foyer.
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